Maybe some day when i look at you, you'll see the same thing i do. and know that in your eyes my deepest fear lies. waiting to see the sun knowing it will never be done. Your demons sleep so peacefully now, taking your medication answers how. so now it lingers latent and leathal waiting for you to give up.

....

Literally nothing stays the same
Just look to the clouds and you shall see
Always changing forever moving on again and again
...Life's one worthwhile guarantee

The northbound trains and the foreign cars, the nights spent out back counting

stars dodging trains and blowing in the wind. You said you weren’t afraid to

die and in a word I asked you “why?”. You said “I could go to hell and wouldn’t

care If I’m with you I’ll go anywhere”, but those days are gone, I’ve packed my

bags and I’m moving on. Some day love is gonna find me, it might not be today,

but some day this love is gonna make its way to me. New England falls can

change so fast, the green to red, the trees contrast and summer air gets swept

up in the cold north wind. My last days are spent on the beach. I watch the

waves roll and retreat and write down the words to get them off my chest. Stuff

it in a bottle - hope for the best. I cast it to the sea. “I’m sorry I let

silence get the best of me

So Let it Go.

I tried to call you last night
but my fingers were tasteless
The numbers were full of falsehoods
my throat, unarmed

I tried to call you but day
made me worry that you really
never existed.

That my ready reading,
hollow head,
tall tendencies,
and ineffable indiffrences
in myself made me lose sight

Plus, the phone booth
was taken by a man with black eyes
his hands dirty, pulse unknown,
lips chapped and filled with words

he reminded me of you

This is farmilar...
 the blue night and bright moon
i breath in,
the crisp, cold air hitting my lungs hard.
makes you want to catch your breath until you realize your breathing in the same cold air that knocked it out of you in the first place.
My ipod bulging out of my pocket, connected to the headphones keeping my ears warm.
winter's coming
the bright colored leaves look dark, the reds turned burgandy, the oranges turn a burnt shade the yellow turned a slight blue compliments of the night.
I think the moon is brightest in October, the witch's month.
I've never seen it so white and brilliant anyother time than the peek of fall.
and i love it.
the cold air and the clarity it brings to my mind.
My favorite time of year. <3

It makes sense now.

So the other day my "friend" is txtin me and telling me all about how he's happy without his ex and that she was so controlling and that yay he's free.
then i see he's back with her today...seriously.
So that's why your answerinf my txts today or yesterday.
the girlfriend that hates me, that you Know hates me so what you start talking to me again after a year to make her mad, to get back at her so you can get back together with her?
cuz i really dont understand. you know she hates me and doesnt you to have anything to do with me. but you decide to start our friendship over again only to throw it away.....Again.
Boy what a waste of my time. well it was nice talking to you while it lasted. im probly just gonna forget about you and delete you from my phone, fb, ect. because i'm just not gonna deal with this.
I mean Yes i miss you we were best friends and then you started dating her and then she sarted hating me and then you stopped talking to me.
and now we can go on with our lives just the way they were before you decided to start this. so have a nice life. =)

it kinda really agrivates me that so many people call you by the nickname i gave you. but whatever that's me being wierd i guess that doesnt mean much either.

There Just Words (back in the college days)

So my best friend is mad at me for something i said a few weeks ago or a week ago idk exactly i didnt really think anything of it until she brought it up the yesterday. Mind you she wasnt around when it was and i said phrased it the way i did because i was already pissed off with the conversation i was having with my mother who i was talking to when i said the statement. i dont know how she found out about it but she did and that's fine i owned up to it. I told her it was me being selfish, stupid and rude. which it was i say alot of mean hurtful things when im angry but so doesnt everyone else. I meant nothing by the comment i made because i was previously aggrivated with my mother, i just wanted her to stop talking.
i understand that my best friend is under a lot of stress right now, but she's not the only one with shit going on in her life. I live in a dorm where girls do nothing but make fun of me EVERY FUCKIN DAY! and that really gets to you after a while. my selfesteem is pretty much gone, and that's fine. its whatever because i know i have my friends to lean on and help build me back up. but idk if i have that anymore. these past few weeks i seem to be good for pissing people off and i dont even understand how i've done it. but apparently i have and it feels like my small close circle of friends is breaking apart. It seems as though im nothing but a dissapointment, terrible friend, and a social freak. I have never felt so alone in my life until this one month of school. that i was completely ready to ride out until the end of the semester. But now i cant even do that.
so that means ive wasted my mother's money that she does not have much of and wasted the time of my teachers and fellow pupils. by being removed from this major i have let down countless numbers of people that cared about me.
I really dont want to lose her as a friend, she is much more than a friend she is family. and to me that means so much more than i could ever try to explain to anyone. but i guess it doesnt mean much to her.if we are indeed no longer friends, its alright. idk what' i'll do. but i wont hold it against her. i know what it feels like to have your world crashing down. it happens to me rather frequently actually and i've learned to handle it and hold on to what matters the most to me. you cant lose your head every single time shit happens that you dont like. and she and i have been through so much together i cant understand why these petty little things are what put our friendship hanging in the balance. i know she's stressed but i cant handle llosing someone so close to me. i know what its like to be left a lone having no one to turn to, and i know she feels like she's backed into a corner because she's been fucked over by pretty everyone that she loves. but i havent fucked her over and i never intended to. She and i have a very even relationship, give and take. we vent to each other and get advise and kinda take care of each other. She is the sweetest person sometimes always thinking of others and being considerate. she's a great person i know this and i wish her family didnt treat her the way they do but that's not my buisness.
I just wish she wasnt so mad at me, she's said things that have honestly brought me to tears but i would never tell her that, i just brush it  off and move on because i know it was never meant to hurt me that greatly. So i let it go, but i dont get the same curtosy and i dont even mind that because i know i say ean things and hurt peoples feelings alot more than i mean to, it just runs in my family its how i was brought up. So Im Sorry. i never meant anything to you by the comment i made. Maybe this friendship is more important to me than it is  to her but i'll be sure to watch my mouth from now on because it made my best friend question our friendship and that might end up being my only regret in life because i love her. she is my second sister. and i wish it was the same way she felt about me. but its okay, now all i can do is wait and see what she decides.

Brainstorm

if there were ever a day
or a date
or a time
that i could've read your mind
that i could've made you mine
kept you safe
and made you whole again
the blink of an would never have been fast enough to get to you
to keep you there in my line of vision
long enough for me to say that i belong to you
even though most dont believe its true.
i do


with every passing life
and every fading dreamer
a small piece of m heart goes with them
and their strive to be something creative
not just another face in the crowd.
losing so many good friends and genuine people
leaves me with an emptying box for a heart.
so many pieces lost
when i tell you i love you
i mean i love you
its not an everyday thing for me.
im gonna say i love you two weeks after we start dating
not gonna happen
once i know you'll stick around
and always make me smile
then yes i might say it

It seems like lately that being loved and loving someone are like a strange dream i keep having. It feels like the one that truely loves me for me isnt real. People always say there is someone for everyone, but is there? honestly is there?
how many people honestly believe that?
especially now a days with computers, what happened to actually growing some balls and going up to talk to someone you like? instead you look them up online and shoot them an email. idk maybe im just not meant for the 21st centurey.
from im just going to ramble about where honesty and loyalty went so im just gonna stop here.
i havent posted on this in a LONG time.
and i didnt intend to ever again. but tonight i was without a pen and paper.
so here you go cyber world of procrastinating bullshit.
my depression spelt out in badly versed phrases.

sooo....

i dont care if your mad at me.
i dont care what you think.
you are a whinning lil kid in an 18 year olds body and i'm fuckin sick of it.
i have to follow rules and restrictions then guess what so do you.
cant wait until your out of my life.
i'm sure we could be friends again in the far away furture or another life maybe. but once your gone your fuckin gone and you can stay that way. =)

have a nice life.
<3 Katie

Fuckin Boys

Boy T: i saw him the other day in wal*mart and he pulled me into one of those hard "i missed you" hugs. and then asks me how i'm doing and why we haven't hung out then hugs me again and kisses my forehead. He held me for a long moment then his girlfriend comes around teh corner and he pushes me away and says "Get off me, i have a girlfriend. Kate"  he sai dmy name is such contempt i was shocked. I just walked away slightly crushed., we went from being best friends and having a thing for each other to this. To him being unable to look me in the eye as i walked away in shock. he emailed me later that nght and said he was sorry but he had to do it because his GF felt threatened by me. that's why we stopped hanging out. Then says not to contact him anymore. so i lost a best friend that i cared a little more for. Yes i liked him but that was it. i'm no a slut thank you. if someone has a gf i try not to get involved. but he was teh one who kissed me in the library. I pushed HIM off. but i'm still the bad guy. whatever.

Boy M: I haven't talked to him in months then out of the blue he called me two nights ago and starts screaming in my ear "Your a stupid bitch, and a terrible friend" just a bunch of shit like that. He has Never raised his voice to me EVER. not even to play around. He has Never called me anything like that ever out of the five years i've known the kid. we've been best friends since we met. i've been there for every little thing that has ever gone wrong in his life and helped him straighten it out. then he got a new gf and stopped talking to me for atleast six months then he calls and freaks out on me out of no where? that really hurt me. that was like losing a brother.

Boy B: I dont know what to do about him. he makes me feel like someone actually wants me. he makes me feel beautiful and happy and relaxed. and i dont understand wy he keeps coming back honestly.
i'm a bitch to him more than im nice. i feel about it but all the questions he asks and all the conclusions he makes about me and the way he makes fun of me it makes me SO MAD. like seriously pisses me off in like a matter of seconds. but i know that he honestly cares and i dont know what to think about that. i know i could never offically date him. he makes me too mad. he's an awesome guy dont get me wrong he's just not what i'm looking for.....so i dont know what to think about him. he seems to be the only way i can relax lately.

On top of that Steph teh driver's ed teacher hates me and gives me shit about EVERYTHING. and ya know what with all the shit going on i'm getting seriously depressed. I feel like i just fail at everything. and its killing me. i'm normally i'm a fast learner and pick things up quick. but steph just wont give me an inch.

Mander has been going through some shit and all i can do is be there for her. but she knows i am.

So much shit has happened in a course of like three days and its insane. lol who lives like this?!
   i Do. everyday, all the time. and that's alright with me.
this just seriously suck this week. so next week should be better. i can't wait until driver's ed is over.
I'm just worried on whether or not i'll pass.
i'm sure things will work out.
so ya i thought i'd tell you cuz i felt like it. so any kind of cheering up would be great.
Thank You,
<3 Katie  

....

I Fought to keep my family


You ran away from yours.


So don think you can get into mine.

Morning

so graduation day was upsetting, but turned out awesome in the end.
i basically lived in mass from graduation to yesterday. stayed at my bro's with my sister and her bf.
it was just quality family time that i haven't had in years. i felt like i fit in again. lol
it sounds very angsty i know but its true. their is no better feeling of belonging than with my family.
i'm glad i got to see them and hang out with them for a week.

i dont know its weird looking back and seeing people i haven't seen in years. Seeing how they've grown up for better or worse.
for example this girl i grew up with was a straight A student ever since i can remember, now she fuckin dropped out of high school then enrolled back in and barley graduated and became a major stoner. how funny is that? she was the most spaztic nerd i had ever met. and now she's a hardcore stoner. i thought that was so ironic. but yeah things like that make me laugh. i felt the need to tell you.

The World Through Brightly Colored Glasses

You glow, you shine, you emanate.
I love you through and through.

Sadly though, I do none of those things
At least not for you


Your smile is a presence in itself.
You make me feel full.


You don't fill from me though.
To you, my smile seems quite dull.



I can't help but see you,
Your halo shines so brightly.



I must be invisible,
Or your eyes are shut tightly.



Eyes the color of the bright blue sky.
I think of them everyday.



Apparently my eyes must be too ugly to see-
Or just to low, a dull gray.



Unfortunately, you'll never know it's you.
I could never speak the truth.



Unless one day you saw my eyes,
Or I made you feel full.

Maybe you'd see my smile, every tooth.



You'll never know because I know
You don't feel this way.



But who knows what could happen,
Maybe, one day.

Remembering

talk about flash backs. i'm talking to a girl that i haven't spoken to in years becuase she tried to contol my life (idk what it is with girls and them pretending to own me. its fucked up.)
but ya she was the start of all of it. She was my best friend and the only person i couldn't get away from. she was crazy and controling and totally freakin ignorant
She wants to hangout this summer which i'm willing to see how she's changed. hopefully she's calmed down.
she's seems to still follow the trends like always.
She was Always a follower. Never a leader.
i hung around her because i didn't really care.
i mean of course i met new people and eventually we became a little click type thing and they would all tell me to leave natalie. but i never did. i hid inside my baggy clothes and long dark brown hair and lived invisible ot the worled. i liked it that way. as long as i was with natalie life was taken care of because she would always take the spotlight of everything.
then i moved up here and was pretty much forced out of my shell. i started fighting in school and punched amanda hussy in the face my second day of middle school because she got in my face because i didn't like country music.
its just so weird looking back on how diffrent i am now compare to then.

....

When you tell yourself its not your fault, your like ya okay, whatever. But when someone else tells you Its Not your fault, you break down and freak out...why is so much more powerful coming from someone else?

Bridget said-because you believe it instead of dismissing it. even when i tell myself it's not my fault it's more like because i'm supposed to, not because i honestly think that. but when someone else sees it and tells you, it's like a sign that it's ok to let it out

<3

One of those days....

you ever one of those days where you do things wrong even though you know its wron but you do it anyway. and you know your gonna have to do it over.
For example: signing in i put in the wrong password. i knew it was wrong but i kept typing it anyways. because i just didn't care. i knew i'd have to retype it anyways.
so ya its one of those days. its tuesday.
then tomorrow is senior prank night.
then thursday we figure out what we're doing for senior skip which is Friday.
so this week is pretty jam packed. lol
and i want basically nothing to do with it. then mander and i are camping out at The Bail.
people might come people might not. i personally dont care. we have to cross it off the list.
so we can cross something off the list.
the list that will almost never be finished.
its a good list though.
and i have my heart set on having a mohawk for senior baquet. I have a picture of it in my head.
and if my hair dresser can do it then i'm gonna be totally pumped. my idea is corn rows. but if we have to improvise then that's fine.

Being Nice.....

i feel like i dont do it enough.
i know i'm mean, bitchy and emotionless most of the time.
LOL. everyone who's lived with me would know.
 i'm not good at showing that i appreciate you, or that i care.
but there are always those rare moments when i'm strangely kind, and go out of my way to do things for you.
idk.
i've never thought of myself as a good or bad person.
i believe that humans are basically good, its safe to say that most terrible things started out as a good idea when the person started.......
i just feel like i dont do enough nice things, probly because i know i dont.

hmm...just soem food for thought.

cant do it.

Not like This, my mom tells me to be more loving more sisterly to my roomate but i can't when mom treats her diffrently. she snuck out last night, and didn't leave a note on where she was today and mom didn't say anything to her.
if i did something like that then she would've bitten my head off, sick or not.
then she tried to feed me this crap on "she's not really my kid so i can't really do anything."
then why the fuck are you telling me to treat her like my sister?

There's that and senior year coming to a close. i'm stressing out because i have so much crap to do and finish for school. my mom is seriously sick which freaks me out because she's in like serious pain and crying and shit and she NEVER does that. EVER.

i've just been super annoyed lately with everything because its all so stressful.
and i think i kinda took some of that out on "somebody" two nights ago, by taking a joke the wrong way.....it was just bad timing on his part. after calling me shallow and stupid  i kinda got really pissed off and we're still "fighting" about it. and i feel really stupid for it.
i'm not apologizing until he does because either way i was still offended. idk i find calling people shallow or anything like that highly offensive. and i guess eh didn't know that even though he freaks if you insult his "Pride"  but whatever. i'm not apologizing until he does.

i'm getting really fed up with this shit people seem to keep putting in front of me. its dumb and ridiculous.
i dont have the time or the patience to deal with it. i just wanna fuckin live somewhere else. i really do mom and sarah and can live happily ever after because mom finally has a daughter that "needs" her...sorry she wasnt there for me, sorry i became self suffcient. i'm just fuckin done with everything.
 

Almost done

i think there's like 37 days of school left? some where around there.
i need to get my creative writing paper done and i NEED to finish plato. otherwise i'm fuckin this up real bad.
my sister and Beach, my brother and his girlfriend, angela consalvo, and april goodbout all are supposed to be coming to my graduation. i would like to get my tree tattoo for a graduation present, i start driver's ed this summer with sarah. i can only hope that she's not my driving partner. so far its been a god monday.
things are just super crammed right now. it is some serious crunch time and i dont know if i'm gonna make it.
No i do know.
I will graduate. I have too, otherwise i'll be the only Rodican that had to repeat a year of high school and that's NOT happening.
i'm not entirely sure about what i'm telling you.
i'm not enirely sure that you'll be alright
i'm Am entirely sure that when
the bells brake and shattered
that i'll be waiting for you to come around.
i'm not entirely sure when you'll get there.
but i am entirely sure that you need me
just as much i need you.

lately i've been lost looking for an end to my writer's block , and no mater what i seem to come up with its crap, or i know i can do better. there's nothing inspiring me. no motivation and its freaking killing me.
idk if its the new engery (sarah) in teh house or the cramming before graduation or the stresser to find a job before sumer ends. i think after seeing my all my family together i'll be rejuvinated. I just dont know what to do about sarah. i mean i love her she's awesome but she's not used to our family (no one is really) but now sha has nowhere else to go and i feel bad because i dont know how to sympathize. i cant imagine how she feels being disowned. My family, we ARE the disowned. so we tough it out and say fuck you then. but sarah doesn't she's been rejected by the people that are supposed to be her family and i cant even begin to fathem what that feels like. and i dont want to. but at the same time you have to push through it you have to tough it out and say fuck them. and sarah cant. not so much that i dont think she understands how. and i dont know how to teach her.
i'm the baby of the family, so i'm used to everyone teaching me. i'm trying really hard to get past my territorial issues and let her in. but i just, idk. this is like a whole knew ballpark. i just need to try harder and be NICE. i know i'm an asshole, i KNOW that.
but she needs to create herself or atleast have a litle more confidence than what she's got right now. she needs to Stop caring about what other people think of her, she needs to care a little less and i should probly try and care a little more.
i just need to get a grip on what's going on in my head first then i think everything else will be a little easier. but i need to be nicer. i need to let myself accpet her as Family not just the sleep over that never ends. and i have a serious problem opening up like that. so this is gonna be ineresing. i just hope she can accept herself as one of my family and not just an orphan because we care about her genuinely and i'm not good at displaying that. or any emotion for that matter but i'm gonna start trying.
Wish me luck.  

"You'll be like 'why are you being hauled away by the cops?' and i'll be like 'cuz i killed someone doing the Robot." xD

Its never easy is it?

  So i'm stuck in some bullshit drama because this kid feels like trusting this fuckin girl who he doens't know only because she gave him head. Am i the only one that sees something wrong here? But ya now he hates me because apparenlty i'm a huge gossiper. so whatever fuck him. he wants to act like a fuckin freshmen even though he's 20 let him. no skin off my back. i just dont enjoy stupid harrassing messages on facebook. so thanks for being immature. its awesome really i appreciate it. Douche.

On top of that i have an over night appointment at teh sleep clinic on tuesday. which i'm kinda freaking out about. lol i'm gonna be to nervous to sleep.
otherwise my gram's house has Sale Pending on the door. which kinda freaks me out really bad.
my absences at school might make me incapable of graduating. which i will be Super pissed.
my mom wants to take me to a dermotologist, i'm not excited.

i'm just tired of dealing with stupid things....and stupid people.
but i guess that's life.
some people tell me it gets easier once your out of high school.
other say that high school never ends.
i guess i'll have to figure that out for myself.

Tuesday is my Monday this week

things are ridciluous as usual....sarah is having a whole boat load of problems. i'm stressing out over all my stuff: School: my online math class, then my after school math class coming up in may. plus my French, English, Creative writing, and TA for ms. Leahy (which is really just busy working). then there's home life: where i'm trying to learn how to not be territorily, and be nice and sisterly so sarah who never really had a sterdy home. i mean yes i love her, she's awesome....i just need to get past myself lol and she needs a fucking back bone, other wise i'm gonna chew her to shreds and not realize it one of these days. then feel like an ass.
so the quicker she toughens up the easier my life will be. hurting her feelings will be one less thing to worry about. lol
things have been "fixed" with ahrielle. we're friends again, not that we ever stopped, we just kinda cut each other off. but anyway......

yesterday i was super nostalgic, i dont know why....so i got a bunch of photos and cut them up and pasted them into my new journal, i consider it a chrisaning (i know i spelled that worng, but i dont feel like looking it up so there)
just as things seem to get easier they get a little harder too.
i'm so EXCITED! my camera should be coming in the end of this week! its a Cannon Rebel EOS (i'm drooling as we speak)
i'm gonna have to buy another battery for it though. other than that I"M SO EXCITED! that is what i'm making my self look forward too.
Oh yeah, and there's the doctors....and all their fuck ups. they messed up my appointment, so what else is new? lol now instead of the headahce clinic i'm going to the sleep clinic. because i'm having problems with both. lol anways.......YEAH CAMERA!!!! 10 pixel. xD i'm so excited.
plus my moms friend wants me to do the photography for her wedding.=D
then my friend ashley is getting married in the summer i think, in june. i don't remember whast josh said.
but i have a dress that will work for both. Oh Yeah. one i get for, one i get to celebrate.
i'm triyng this new thing callled being positive....and its kinda hard work. lol

Oh Boy....

i'm in studyhall listening to kyle make fun of people.....some of the things he says are SO mean.
it worries me what he says about me when i'm not around.
He has messed up teeth and he just moved away!! YESH! =D
anyways, i got a new haircut, and i like it. its cute. and VERY veritile. I can air dry it, straighten it, curl it, blow dry the bangs and it all looks good.
things are going very well in my life right now. and i'm happy. and i like it.
 i'm just worried about what's gonna happen when this good graces period is over.....

"What is love?"
 Love is a hypocrisy. Means nothing. No one knows what it really means bc it doesn't actually exist. No one has a soul mate and no one can be together with another person happily for the rest of their life. Love is a figure of you imagination. And it will never be anything more.

my friend posted this the other day. It kinda made me mad that she posted because it makes her a hypocrit....so whatever. i completely disagree with this statement.

my brain is an odd place.

Happiness

i was so overwhelmed with it today that i cried.

It was a great day because my mother is offically debt free.

paid off the house. and bought herself new  clothes.

and sent money to my sister (who is injured and cant work at the moment)

things just seemed to fall into place today.

and i just cried i was so happy to see my mom stress free

not having to worry about the bills and such.

after everything she (my mom) has been through things have finally evened out.

and it just makes me so happy. i can't even explain, that's probly why i started crying earlier. lol

but i just felt the need to share this extrodinary moment of clearity.

she can finally hold her head up and smile and say " i wanna go shopping"

instead of " maybe next weekend."
its teh most triumphant feeling to watch her buy clothes and not worry about what she's spending.
i'm gonna sleep a little easier tonight knowing that she's gonna be a little more than alright. =)
i love my ma.

BORED!!!! in studyhall

i know i'm nothing special
i know that you arent too
i know i'm nothing special and that my atitatude is blue.
i know that your obnoxius that ou make me insane.
but that's okay cuase i know we're nothing special
and we never wil be again.

Nothing Special

i hate that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach saying somethings wrong. i hate that i'm falling behind in everything and cant keep up. i hate that way you look at me when your disappointed in me. i hate your judgemental narrow view points on things you know nothing about. i hate that you think you know everything. and i hate that your right about a lot of things. i hate that you were never around when i needed you. i hate that your so disconnected from me. i that you dont even care.

I hate that you look up to me and that you Expect better from me. i hate your condecending attitude. i hate that i meant nothing speical to you. that i meant nothing at all. you made me feel so worthless and terrible for such a long time and now your gone.

Just like that

Gone. 

there's just too much to think about right now. 

i'm so confused and helpless and i HATE it. more than anything i just listed. 

i just dont know how to deal with this.... 

Stuck on You.

Its the strangest feeling when you realize the one you love isn't coming back, also that she meant more and had more of an effect on you than you thought.

all you have now are sweet memories, knowing that through all the bad she taught you nothing less than how to survive in the darkest of times.

thanks Gram R.I.P.

"...To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream; not only plan but also Believe." ~Anatole France

something bright, in dark times.

"What is inspiring for a creative mind?

 Finding connections in our world, in our lives,

in our histories-in those places

where disciplines touch each other and converge,

and new paths become visible."

- Nancy Diessner

....

Who i am

i'm trying to share with you who i am and you can't seem to understand what i'm telling you.

Maybe you miss read something somewhere, but i am my own person.

i always have been

and i always will be

my family is my world

as much as i hate them sometimes,

i will always love them, the Are a duty and they will always come first

the few certain people that i care for i care fircely for

because i know they are all i have in this world

Its things like this that make me shut everyone out.

it makes me calm up and push away

especially now, me being in such a vulnerable state of mind

i would like to say i'm Done i'm Finished.

but i know i'm not.

i believe that the only time you actually know who you are is when you die

the moments before when your watching your life flash before your eyes

you look back on everything and say "Okay."

and know that everything is okay because you tried your best

not because you made sure people KNEW who you were.

just that you actually left an imperssion on them and there life.

but i guess that's just me

but according to some people

i don't know who i am.

no i don't because i'm still becoming that person

and i won't know until my time comes

I have a very good sense of who i am becoming

so as far as i'm concered you were Never my therapist.

you volunteered the question and i ansered it honestly and you would carry on with that.

besides its not fair to you, because you don't get paid enough to listen to me bitch.

again. sorry for wasting your time.

GrandMother.

Last night i walked in the brisk cold down teh street to my grandmother hosue. It was my turn to sit with her and i hadn't seen her since last week. Mother had told me that all she does is sleep all the time now, so i shoved a book in my bag before i left.

I reached her house taking the ear buds out of my ears, placing my ipod in my bag. I opened the door to a hospital bed with a shrivled, shaking, balding old woman laying in it. That is what my gram had been reduced to.....this, this drugged, sleeping reality?

i have never seen my gram without her wig on, i have never seen her shake so violently, i have never seen her sleep so restlessly; it was such a painful sight to bare witness too. I almost threw up, i could freel the fluid drain out of my face leaving me a ghostly white. It was painful to see such a strong, snippy, opinionated woman completely  incapacitated like that. I started to get a little dizzy and felt my knees get weak, so i sat on the couch farthest from the epitome of everything i never could of expected. My aunt sat with me for the time i was there out of fear that i would get sick. After sitting for four hours, watching "Judge Judy" with my aunt speaking of how stupid some people can be and how the plantiff had a serious attitude problem. i tried to relax about the "episode" i had earlier. 

My mother showed up around 6pm and i sat talking with her for a while preparing myself to leave. I walked over to her hospital bed, kissed her cheek and said "GoodBye Gram, i love you."

she woke up looked at me and said "I love you too."

This woman has never said those words to me ever in my life, you couldn't pay her enough money in the world to tell me she loved me. After she said it i felt bad for almost, pitied her; once so proud and stubborn "O how the mighy fall"  and boy did she fall fast and hard. Last week i sat with her and she was her peppy, pushy self and now she's in a hospital bed barley able to talk or even wake up. All she does is sleep all the time now. The doctor has her on Liquid Morphine and she DRINKS a certain amout. that's all her medication now, is drinking liquid morphine. i never actally thought that this would happen. i mean i've seen people dying like geting shot or hit by a car but THIS made m throw up.

on the long walk home the air seemed colder and my teeth wouldn't stop shuttering and all i could picture was my gram shaking almost convolsing in her bed helpless, with no one able to help but take the dropper and squeaze more morphine into her mouth. In those moments i realized that This Was The End. That she wasn't going to be around anymore. I threw up......i fell to my knees and threw up all over the pavement almost instantly.  i couldn't stop thinking about her while i cried the rest of the cold lonely walk home.

i have to go back over there today after school, things are only getting worse for her, but for me the worst was last night and its over. i'm okay now, and all i can do for her is to drop water in her mouth and give her  cup of morphine letting her sleep. This is the end. 

a part of me will die allong with her, and a new part will of me will emerge in remembrance for the love (or lack there of) for my grandmother.   

TGIF

So today you tell me you still have feelings for me, then you tell me your dating some gross chick....after we had been hanging out the last two days. When you told me you dating HER it felt like i was being punched in the stomach. Am i really that low on the list of attractive that you have to go and date her just because you want to be in with "The Crowd" because i'm pretty sure they don' tcare about you. Falling yes its fun, but then you hit the ground and realize "Oh Shit! i think i broke my leg on teh way down."

Today was really just something i didn't need to add on my list of bullshit to deal with.......For example my gram is dying and she doesn't want to see me, im not even allowed in her house anymore. They justmoved the hospital bed into her house today, and the doctor  said it shouldn't be long now. i thought i was gonna throw up.  

My heart is being pulled in seventeen diffrent directions and all i feel like doing right now is crawling under my blankets with a boxe of cheezits and a bottle of Cherry Coke and never coming out. They just put me on new medication. Anti-anxiety stuff. and its working fo rthe most part, i can actually sleep at night now. But we'll see how long that lasts.

Happy New Year

Something unknown

wondering the world alone

thinking of your face

and how you never learned the meaning of grace

Its finally getting to me.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. - Jim Morrison

Its Only Skin Deep. (Ramblings)

  I dream of things...high up in trees and in the pits of Georgia's peaches. I dream of noise. Golden hair woven into strings and tall buildings with rhythm. Of fevers that will create logic and drums made from human feet. I dream of water without a container and no maximum for the Human Voice. Of rocks on fire and tides up to my ears. I dream of Bridget's house and the gaping mouths of alligators. Of unframed windows and liquid bodies that flow an dseep. I dream of black garbage bags and white trash adn how they might mesh together. Of basement floors and tree-house splinters and how human shoulders are exactly like Horses' withers. I dream of topless halves and empty shelves and  how Sunday is just as busy as.....every                                                                                 

I write

although i am as useless as my left hand

i'm not ambidextrous

but my heart is.

Pulled in 27 diffrent directions

Still unafraid of its breaking point.

And when the pulling stops,

It lies stretched out on teh ground.

Yet still ready for the next blow.

And speaking like it knows every word in the dictionary

Most of the things arent' real.

But thats' what happens when

I write.

Lately, I've come to realize that everyone falls. I've noticed that you and i seem to fall differently. Maybe you don't think so but i do. I tend to fall on my back. Bones pop out of place and i bite my tounge. Some how you know when i will and you're always there. I've never said i'm thankful, but i am.  If you fall at all you fall gracefully. You say you do fall, that you have character flaws and make mistakes. I may be biased, but i think your lovely the way you are.  My life is exactly like a puzzle. I always seem to lose pieces. I'm not sure how, but i do. That's how i am. If i put them in a box, they fall out; if i don't put them in a box i lose them. I forget they exist until i try to put everything back together. There are so many holes, too many damn holes, and i have no way to fill them.  The pieces are my life. They are my friends, parts of my personality, my memories, my family, and my future. Sometimes its not that i lose them; some leave on their own. I find some, sometimes, when i'm lucky, and others come back. Some i just lose forever. You are the only piece that never goes missing. If you ask me to repeat teh following, i will deny it ever happened. I will deny i wrote this, and i will say you are a liar.

Natural light getting
brighter
  against
the brick wall;
real sunlight seeping
in sleepy
    eyelids;
warm orange golden
flashes
seeping out of hands
cupped to hold it
for just a little bit longer;
lasting sun stains
blistering
  on skin
like a badge for teh time
spent outdoors
against brick walls
kissing boys who
aren't normal.