cant do it.

Not like This, my mom tells me to be more loving more sisterly to my roomate but i can't when mom treats her diffrently. she snuck out last night, and didn't leave a note on where she was today and mom didn't say anything to her.
if i did something like that then she would've bitten my head off, sick or not.
then she tried to feed me this crap on "she's not really my kid so i can't really do anything."
then why the fuck are you telling me to treat her like my sister?

There's that and senior year coming to a close. i'm stressing out because i have so much crap to do and finish for school. my mom is seriously sick which freaks me out because she's in like serious pain and crying and shit and she NEVER does that. EVER.

i've just been super annoyed lately with everything because its all so stressful.
and i think i kinda took some of that out on "somebody" two nights ago, by taking a joke the wrong way.....it was just bad timing on his part. after calling me shallow and stupid  i kinda got really pissed off and we're still "fighting" about it. and i feel really stupid for it.
i'm not apologizing until he does because either way i was still offended. idk i find calling people shallow or anything like that highly offensive. and i guess eh didn't know that even though he freaks if you insult his "Pride"  but whatever. i'm not apologizing until he does.

i'm getting really fed up with this shit people seem to keep putting in front of me. its dumb and ridiculous.
i dont have the time or the patience to deal with it. i just wanna fuckin live somewhere else. i really do mom and sarah and can live happily ever after because mom finally has a daughter that "needs" her...sorry she wasnt there for me, sorry i became self suffcient. i'm just fuckin done with everything.
 

Almost done

i think there's like 37 days of school left? some where around there.
i need to get my creative writing paper done and i NEED to finish plato. otherwise i'm fuckin this up real bad.
my sister and Beach, my brother and his girlfriend, angela consalvo, and april goodbout all are supposed to be coming to my graduation. i would like to get my tree tattoo for a graduation present, i start driver's ed this summer with sarah. i can only hope that she's not my driving partner. so far its been a god monday.
things are just super crammed right now. it is some serious crunch time and i dont know if i'm gonna make it.
No i do know.
I will graduate. I have too, otherwise i'll be the only Rodican that had to repeat a year of high school and that's NOT happening.
i'm not entirely sure about what i'm telling you.
i'm not enirely sure that you'll be alright
i'm Am entirely sure that when
the bells brake and shattered
that i'll be waiting for you to come around.
i'm not entirely sure when you'll get there.
but i am entirely sure that you need me
just as much i need you.

lately i've been lost looking for an end to my writer's block , and no mater what i seem to come up with its crap, or i know i can do better. there's nothing inspiring me. no motivation and its freaking killing me.
idk if its the new engery (sarah) in teh house or the cramming before graduation or the stresser to find a job before sumer ends. i think after seeing my all my family together i'll be rejuvinated. I just dont know what to do about sarah. i mean i love her she's awesome but she's not used to our family (no one is really) but now sha has nowhere else to go and i feel bad because i dont know how to sympathize. i cant imagine how she feels being disowned. My family, we ARE the disowned. so we tough it out and say fuck you then. but sarah doesn't she's been rejected by the people that are supposed to be her family and i cant even begin to fathem what that feels like. and i dont want to. but at the same time you have to push through it you have to tough it out and say fuck them. and sarah cant. not so much that i dont think she understands how. and i dont know how to teach her.
i'm the baby of the family, so i'm used to everyone teaching me. i'm trying really hard to get past my territorial issues and let her in. but i just, idk. this is like a whole knew ballpark. i just need to try harder and be NICE. i know i'm an asshole, i KNOW that.
but she needs to create herself or atleast have a litle more confidence than what she's got right now. she needs to Stop caring about what other people think of her, she needs to care a little less and i should probly try and care a little more.
i just need to get a grip on what's going on in my head first then i think everything else will be a little easier. but i need to be nicer. i need to let myself accpet her as Family not just the sleep over that never ends. and i have a serious problem opening up like that. so this is gonna be ineresing. i just hope she can accept herself as one of my family and not just an orphan because we care about her genuinely and i'm not good at displaying that. or any emotion for that matter but i'm gonna start trying.
Wish me luck.  

"You'll be like 'why are you being hauled away by the cops?' and i'll be like 'cuz i killed someone doing the Robot." xD

Its never easy is it?

  So i'm stuck in some bullshit drama because this kid feels like trusting this fuckin girl who he doens't know only because she gave him head. Am i the only one that sees something wrong here? But ya now he hates me because apparenlty i'm a huge gossiper. so whatever fuck him. he wants to act like a fuckin freshmen even though he's 20 let him. no skin off my back. i just dont enjoy stupid harrassing messages on facebook. so thanks for being immature. its awesome really i appreciate it. Douche.

On top of that i have an over night appointment at teh sleep clinic on tuesday. which i'm kinda freaking out about. lol i'm gonna be to nervous to sleep.
otherwise my gram's house has Sale Pending on the door. which kinda freaks me out really bad.
my absences at school might make me incapable of graduating. which i will be Super pissed.
my mom wants to take me to a dermotologist, i'm not excited.

i'm just tired of dealing with stupid things....and stupid people.
but i guess that's life.
some people tell me it gets easier once your out of high school.
other say that high school never ends.
i guess i'll have to figure that out for myself.