Nothing Special

i hate that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach saying somethings wrong. i hate that i'm falling behind in everything and cant keep up. i hate that way you look at me when your disappointed in me. i hate your judgemental narrow view points on things you know nothing about. i hate that you think you know everything. and i hate that your right about a lot of things. i hate that you were never around when i needed you. i hate that your so disconnected from me. i that you dont even care.

I hate that you look up to me and that you Expect better from me. i hate your condecending attitude. i hate that i meant nothing speical to you. that i meant nothing at all. you made me feel so worthless and terrible for such a long time and now your gone.

Just like that

Gone. 

there's just too much to think about right now. 

i'm so confused and helpless and i HATE it. more than anything i just listed. 

i just dont know how to deal with this.... 

Stuck on You.

Its the strangest feeling when you realize the one you love isn't coming back, also that she meant more and had more of an effect on you than you thought.

all you have now are sweet memories, knowing that through all the bad she taught you nothing less than how to survive in the darkest of times.

thanks Gram R.I.P.

"...To accomplish great things we must not only act but also dream; not only plan but also Believe." ~Anatole France

something bright, in dark times.

"What is inspiring for a creative mind?

 Finding connections in our world, in our lives,

in our histories-in those places

where disciplines touch each other and converge,

and new paths become visible."

- Nancy Diessner

....

Who i am

i'm trying to share with you who i am and you can't seem to understand what i'm telling you.

Maybe you miss read something somewhere, but i am my own person.

i always have been

and i always will be

my family is my world

as much as i hate them sometimes,

i will always love them, the Are a duty and they will always come first

the few certain people that i care for i care fircely for

because i know they are all i have in this world

Its things like this that make me shut everyone out.

it makes me calm up and push away

especially now, me being in such a vulnerable state of mind

i would like to say i'm Done i'm Finished.

but i know i'm not.

i believe that the only time you actually know who you are is when you die

the moments before when your watching your life flash before your eyes

you look back on everything and say "Okay."

and know that everything is okay because you tried your best

not because you made sure people KNEW who you were.

just that you actually left an imperssion on them and there life.

but i guess that's just me

but according to some people

i don't know who i am.

no i don't because i'm still becoming that person

and i won't know until my time comes

I have a very good sense of who i am becoming

so as far as i'm concered you were Never my therapist.

you volunteered the question and i ansered it honestly and you would carry on with that.

besides its not fair to you, because you don't get paid enough to listen to me bitch.

again. sorry for wasting your time.

GrandMother.

Last night i walked in the brisk cold down teh street to my grandmother hosue. It was my turn to sit with her and i hadn't seen her since last week. Mother had told me that all she does is sleep all the time now, so i shoved a book in my bag before i left.

I reached her house taking the ear buds out of my ears, placing my ipod in my bag. I opened the door to a hospital bed with a shrivled, shaking, balding old woman laying in it. That is what my gram had been reduced to.....this, this drugged, sleeping reality?

i have never seen my gram without her wig on, i have never seen her shake so violently, i have never seen her sleep so restlessly; it was such a painful sight to bare witness too. I almost threw up, i could freel the fluid drain out of my face leaving me a ghostly white. It was painful to see such a strong, snippy, opinionated woman completely  incapacitated like that. I started to get a little dizzy and felt my knees get weak, so i sat on the couch farthest from the epitome of everything i never could of expected. My aunt sat with me for the time i was there out of fear that i would get sick. After sitting for four hours, watching "Judge Judy" with my aunt speaking of how stupid some people can be and how the plantiff had a serious attitude problem. i tried to relax about the "episode" i had earlier. 

My mother showed up around 6pm and i sat talking with her for a while preparing myself to leave. I walked over to her hospital bed, kissed her cheek and said "GoodBye Gram, i love you."

she woke up looked at me and said "I love you too."

This woman has never said those words to me ever in my life, you couldn't pay her enough money in the world to tell me she loved me. After she said it i felt bad for almost, pitied her; once so proud and stubborn "O how the mighy fall"  and boy did she fall fast and hard. Last week i sat with her and she was her peppy, pushy self and now she's in a hospital bed barley able to talk or even wake up. All she does is sleep all the time now. The doctor has her on Liquid Morphine and she DRINKS a certain amout. that's all her medication now, is drinking liquid morphine. i never actally thought that this would happen. i mean i've seen people dying like geting shot or hit by a car but THIS made m throw up.

on the long walk home the air seemed colder and my teeth wouldn't stop shuttering and all i could picture was my gram shaking almost convolsing in her bed helpless, with no one able to help but take the dropper and squeaze more morphine into her mouth. In those moments i realized that This Was The End. That she wasn't going to be around anymore. I threw up......i fell to my knees and threw up all over the pavement almost instantly.  i couldn't stop thinking about her while i cried the rest of the cold lonely walk home.

i have to go back over there today after school, things are only getting worse for her, but for me the worst was last night and its over. i'm okay now, and all i can do for her is to drop water in her mouth and give her  cup of morphine letting her sleep. This is the end. 

a part of me will die allong with her, and a new part will of me will emerge in remembrance for the love (or lack there of) for my grandmother.