thinking

Breathing i your innocence
so close to me
i hold you tight watching my blood drip onto shirt the adreniline is wearing off now. I feel the pain in my lip, i run my tongue along the sides of my teeth making sure i still have them all. Your tears stain my shirt with a warmth of love i havent felt in a while, so young, so helpless. I dont know why i  did it. i could've let him take her. then maybe i wouldnt have gotten my ass kicked. My body feels like i was thrown into a wall, im sure i was at some point. Your small hands in balled fists wrinkling my torn shirt. All i had to do was hand you over and he would've put you in the car and driven off maybe kidnapping you. I dont know. I told you to go hide and dont come out until i find you so that's what you did. while you were hiding i was fighting for my life and yours. The first strike was a slap right across my cheek bone, it took me all of 3 seconds to become infuriated and punch him square in the nose from their my mind goes blank. The rage took over.
all i know for sure is that im still alive and so  are you.
Your too young for this type of corruption that i know all too  well.
i saved you this time but next time your on your own. your not my kid, not my responsibility.
if you have to learn the hard way then its your fault, no one else's.
good luck kid.  

Rainy Day Depression
listening to someone else bitch

nervousness causing hyperventilation
like the eye your not supposed to itch






(im going to need a new journal soon, this will be the first one i officially filled. im sure when its done ill feel accomplished and slightly pathetic.)

Solitude

its something i very much need.
i like being by myself, sometimes. i need it to stay sane.
sorry if you find that weird but that's just the way i am.
so fuck off
lol

.....

she plunged her foot into the steaming bath water sending goose bumps up her pale porcelain skin, across her scarred stomach stopping at her shoulders as she submerged more of her body feeling the burn of the smoldering water, she breathed easier feeling something for the first time in a week to let her know she's alive and not a robot or zombie. The rising steam smelled of eucalyptus, no doubt from the bath salts her sister got her as a house warming gift. The salts had dissolved completely leaving the water a murky shade of pastel green.
She sat silently starring at the lonely lilac colored candle burning next to the faucet, giving off the only light in the room casting a soft glow on her skin as she watching the shadows dance on the walls around her. She took a deep breath and sunk lower into the tub letting the water rush over her shoulders, up to her neck then finally it brushed over her feeling the sting as the water burnt every hair follicle on her head. she stared up at the ceiling under the water remembering the day she almost drown, wondering how she got so far down and if she'd ever see the sun again. She wasn't a afraid to die, no that wasn't what scared her, she was mortified that she would die never knowing what love feels like, she released her last breath and grabbed the side of the tub pulling herself head out of the water, some of it spilling over the edge on to white tiled floor. She stepped out of the tub looking at herself in the mirror, wrapping herself in an over sized towel she thought Wow, the water was hotter than i thought. 

Her body was burnt pink stepping away from the mirror the tiles felt cold on her feet. She slipped on the wet floor landing on her left hip. Awesome bruised my tattoo. It was a poem her sister wrote a long time ago when her boyfriend past awway. Car accident. she never really recovered from that.

Day 2

Of the body cleanse
and i have  a headache
i feel like crap.
ugh
12 more days......

hmmm

I dont know what it is lately but i cant seem to stop listening to Kid Cudi and Lupe Fiasco
lol i found a new love for them. xD

2 people i knew
1 my best friend knew.
things like this make me hate using past tense.

Limbo

So im tired of not having a job and not having a goal and not being motivated so ince no one wants to hire me im looking at online courses. Something productive right, i hate sitting on my butt all day and doing nothing. i started excerising every morning. and now i want more. im craving to learn! its driving me nuts! its worse than my tattoo addiction!
so ive been looking at colleges and filling things out all day. looking into criminal psychology, because its something that's always interested me but everyone said dont do it. Fuck what everyone says, i did what everyone says and i fuckin got kicked out of the college i was in for no good reason! so now im gonna do it MY WAY!
im gonna do what i want to and learn about things that actually fuckin interest me! instead of photojournalism, i mean yes i want to travel and take pictures but id rather do it for myself than for a job. That way im the only critic of my work. Psychology and abnormal psychology has always been interesting to me, especially criminal psychology, finding out what drives them to do the horrific things they do. Curiosity killed the cat, and i've got plenty of lives left for now.
Im sitting on the ledge letting my feet dangle over the side, waiting for the water to rise. So that when i jump i wont hit the rocks. But i guess whether i hit the rocks or not doesnt really matter anymore, I just want to jump.

Something a Little Different

Pain is beauty....im pretty sure a ripped out piercing isnt beautiful. just saying.
Anyways, im currently figuring out how im going to get my licence since, i HATE asking for help, but it seems i have no choice in the matter.
im looking into more colleges, hopefully these ones wont kick me out for no reason and take my money. lol i just applied for a job at jcpenny so im really hoping they hiring me. It would be nice for something to work out for a change.

im tired of fighting with people, i mean i know i have a combative attitude but this is like just nit-picking shit like im not the one picking the fight. i just need to get out of this town and start fresh somewhere else.

Babysitting....

Before i always said i didnt like kids and its still true. i really only like the chill ones, the ones that dont fight with you half as much, or are crazy A.D.D. (no offense to anyone who is.....), kids like that i can handle. Anyway...

So recently my mom started seeing this guy who i have dubbed Marky Mark, that is his name to me whether he likes it or not. original no not really, but i personally dont care all that much. So i've had to give up my friday night a couple times to babysit his 10 year old. I dont know about you guys but when i started first grade i was pretty much on my own, it was everyman for himself in my house. So i was home a lone a lot, and knew how to take care of myself. The first time they brought her over for me to watch her i asked my mom "why doesnt she take care of herself? she is 10 years old and not living in a ghetto city. i dont see the problems here"
it never really occured to me that my living situation as a kid was not so common, most parents dont voluntarily leave their child home alone until they're like 13, in the city normally 15. But being strong headed me i was like what the fuck i have to watch this little so you two can go out on a date? i had to give up plans with my friends, i can tell you what if i didnt love my mom and i didnt want her to be happy then i wouldnt be doing it. Its nice to see her happy, and silly, and girlie...its kinda weird sometimes but i can deal as crazy as she makes me, i make her just as crazy so its mutual.
So i've made nice with his daughter and babysat a couple more times and realized that i probly dont want to have kids. I know that down the road im probly gonna change my mind because i want to adopt. But until said time down said road, i dont want kids. Tonight this little chica called me her pretend sister and i was like "OOH SNAP" what do i say to that? sorry, i've got one already. Chica has one older brother and one little brother.
Honestly i dont what to do with her when she comes over cuz she's SO GIRLIE! i was never a little girl who sat and played with barbie's  or "Stuffies" as she calls them. I was outside playing kickball in the cull-da-sack with the boys; getting dirty, scraping my knees. Needless to say i was a tom-boy and had a damn good time. But she's like the complete opposite of me when i was a kid. That and she's crazy hyper, and always has to be entertained....UGH! Marky Mark babies her really badly and wants my mother and i to help him discipline her which i find as him slightly copping out making us the bad guys. Mainly making my mom the bad guy because her and i have sort of an understanding going on now. She gave me attitude a few times and i set her straight and she hasnt done it since so things are getting better. Back to the sister bit: im not entirely sure how to take it because that's my mom's life. ya know? as much as she wants me to be apart of it i personally dont feel the need. Her boyfriend has nothing to do with me, but now im stuck because his kid sees me as a pretend big sister. How did i get roped in to this? i say sure i'll babysit once....ends up being like five times now this little girl looks up to me and is doing the whole i'll eat what you eat, i like what you like thing and its making me crazy. im not a good role model this kid likes justin beiber and lady gaga.....and she looks up to me? WHAT?! if anything i should be insulted..... ugh lady gaga the worst thing the music industry has ever come out with...EVER.
before to get signed to a label you had to have some type of talent, now all you need is myspace and people will buy your songs. It sad that this is what the music industry has turned into, the kids of today will have carpel tunnel and No social skills compliments to internet and cell phones. We as people are becoming more an more distant to one another and its insane. But ANYWAYS.....So ya this kid, she's nice and is starting to confide in me, that she's being bullied so im like "Okay, she pushed you, Push her back!"  (just me being me) and she's like "No my daddy will take care of it." im like o.O  "Your daddy cant hold our hand through everything. If have a problem like this in school you need to deal with it and show these other girls that you arent gonna take their crap. then they will leave you alone for good. V.S. your coming in taking time out of work and telling everybody's parents, you'll just be a tattle tale. NO body wants to be a tattle tale." then she hugged me and im thinking umm idk if anyone told you but im not a hugger. please get off.  taking  MY sister's advice and giving this girl some attention and letting her talk knowing that im actually listening, caused me not to push her off which i probly would've done otherwise. im not good at showing affection incase you all missed that. lol
then we sat in bed and watched tv until she fell asleep. then mom and marky mark came home and he took her away. I dont know if she took my advice but she hasnt said anything else about being bullied so i hope those little brats backed off.
SO ya babysitting....really got me thinking. lol

2:16 am

Battles scars on my hands are thin slices of pink against my pale paper white skin... No wonder they call me casper i think as i turn the pages to my algebra text book, how i loath thee soo. My gold clatter ring stands out much more than i should like against my florescence, my mothers wedding ban that she practically threw at me. She said let's go for ice cream, being 17 years old it didnt have the same affect it would have on 6 year old but i got into the car regardless knowing there was something else up her sleeve. She got a classic Sunday with a cherry that she always let me have and i got a chocolate frapp like always. We talked like it was any other day then got back into the car and made the journey home. While taking a turn one handed she used the other to remove her wedding band and hand it to me. "Do you want this?" she said while practically throwing it at me.
I placed the ring on my middle finger, i didnt really care about it then but now it see it diffrently; i wear the ring a man from another life gave my mother. I wear it now to show i've moved on also that that is a closed chapter in my life. More like a finished book really since it is such a huge part in who i am today.
I wear the ring bistowed apon my mother by a monster that i only remember in nightmares now. I call it another life because for a long time i couldnt differentiate from what was a dream and what bruises were real.
And so is the story of how i came to own my nightmare ring, i took it to make her happy, i keep it so i know it wasnt a dream, and i wear it to remind myself that what doesnt kill truly does make you stronger. as if my scars could tell me that, but i cant take those off before i step into the shower and wash away yesterday. They will never wash away, only fade with time. Along with the painful memories of a past that will disturb your cookie cutter image of the happy family i come from. So i'll let you imagine i was a happy child with a healthy caring family that sat down to dinner every night. So you keep thinking that, with your deranged idea that im smart because i read. ignorance is bliss, to bad i never got to experience that. lol

ahh, insomnia my fearful friend

So i started this new medicine, its an anti-depressant that's supposed to help you sleep. So far it hasnt done much but cause me to sleep for 12 hours. Pretty ridiculous  
 So i have to babysit tomorrow and its around 2am im pretty sure tomorrow is going to suck now. lol 


On another note there is this guy i currently like but it seems kind of wrong because of the circumstances, its kind of a weird situation really. This kid is like the friend of my mom's boyfriend so that's like his father figure and he's dating my mom...idk i think im over complicating this....lol (keep in mind the kid is like 19 my age, not like in his 40's. no worries guys) but he's really nice and just really diffrent from most guys i've dated, and idk. 
idk if i want to pursue this or not only because my conscience would not approve since i live in Farmington, a town founded on its inbred jokes, and he people here really only encourage it. Anyways, for now i think im going to let this play out. im not gonna push cuz i dont think im his type. 
It feels good to blog again. it makes up for my lack of college papers. 

Obnoxious

 I find it Very obnoxious when people read over my shoulder, i find it offensive whent they read whatever i'm writng out loud. its almost like a breach in my thought process. eventually yes you will read it but until said time...BACK OFF.

Thank you.

The cold.

Its much more lonely now than it as been in a long time. Im starting to realize that the people I want to believe in and that i want to believe i can trust really arent there for me. That the people i last expected to be there and stand up for me and pick me up when im down are always there and are now making a point to show it. The people i appreciate the least are the ones that come to my rescue and i would like to apologize to them. Im giving up on the ones that dont care about me and trying to focus more on the people that sincerely give a shit about me and want me to keep to going. Im feeling the affects of losing all my friends and its really taken its toll on me this past month. But now im starting to appreciate my real friends. and i apologize to them for taking so long to realize that they are my friends.
Yes the cold is harsh and lonely bu now i know if i knock on your door, i'll be welcomed with open arms without a second thought. Thank You.

Nathan Turner

he was my most reliable best friend and i miss him everyday.
its hard to accept that such a good person had to leave us in such a cruel way.
But all we can do now know that he is at peace and watching over us.
i miss him everyday....so much. i know so many people share my pain because he was so well loved.
i consider myself lucky to have gotten the chance to know such a wonderful person.
i miss you so much nathan. <3