Fighitng for it.

So i made her talk to me today. and all is not lost. She is just under a lot of stress right now and i can accept that as an excuse. Because i am also in the same boat. it seems as though we were taking out our frustrations on each other, cuz we're good like that. But i talked to her and cleared all this up. We're on the mend because she was hurting then made me hurt so we're trying to figure some shit out here. In a way i'm glad this happened because i found that more people cared about me than i thought. Which i know sounds stupid because someone always cares...but a lot of people came through for me, some unexpected. And i'm thankful to know that i have the friendship of so many good people. so i would like to say Thank You. and that i really appreciate your concern. Thank you for being there for me when i thought i lost my head. It doesn't happen very often, when i swallow my pride and thank people but they surprised me and brought me back to my senses.
I feel more accomplished...Today i made a goal for college, repaired a friendship, helped someone with their "problems" and i think i'm making a "new" friend....not really new but we're civilized to each other now and its nice for a change. =)
On another note, i'm being tortured. lol
Mentally, i like my ex. i know, i know there's a reason he's an EX. I get it. so i told him thinking he would just blow it off like "ohh whatever that's cool" instead he's talking to me MORE! and paying attention to me more and flirting with me. Its killing me. He has a girlfriend and i would never do anything to mess that up, but it just makes my life that much harder. I kinda wish he would've freaked out and avoided me but instead i got the opposite reaction. DAMNIT. Why is it that all the guys i have a thing for are always taken or i find out there taken? that's like saying "Haha. your never gonna get a date."  i'm not very excited about it let me tell you. But yeah I'm starting to feel like a much more productive human being. I have a goal, something to look forward to, to work towards. Today relieved a lot of stress which means i might actually sleep tonight. xD
In conclusion i've reinforced the statement of "Inorder to get something done you have to get off your ass and make it happen, things don't just fall into you lap." I'm finally climbing out of that fuckin ditch.

"its like i'm stuck in a hole and everytime i go to climb out someone kicks me back in."
"then i bring you a rope ladder."  
"Yeah and bring a lanter."
"You have a rope ladder what do you need a lanter for?"
"Toss it down there for the next person."

Thanks.

Trust

Honestly i would like to cry right now.

My best friend doesnt' want to talk to me anymore because some stupid kid that she was trying to set me up with sent her some emails......that of the day he was bad mouthing her and i got pissed at him. But instead he changed MY words and added shit and the thoughs to her. Now she won't talk to me becaues the whole thing pisses her off......wtf?

seriously.

he's the one who talks shit about her and I get in trouble because that stupid little bitch changed my sentences?! that's great.

i thought my friendship and trust meant more than some computer nerd's jacked emails.

but apparently not.

it kills me because we've been through so much shit together ten times worse then this and yet here we are.

Trust....so hard to build

so easily lost.

it seems like everyone friendship i have gets fucked over because someone says....no no Lies about something i "said"....it just feels like i keep getting fucked over. week after week. and i hate it so much. It constantly feels like i can't do anything right. The people that i love and care for the most always end up hurting me. Whether its my fault or not (like this). I would just like to be able to trust someone and know that they will be there for me. and work through our fights, not just leave things terrible....because it pisses them off. I'm always the one that comes back and talks sense into my friends when we get into fights. I cave first and say i'm sorry even if i didn't do anything. I hate leaving things badly, or unresolved. to me that's like a wound that won't heal.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I want someone else to cave first so i can see that they actually care about me. so i know i'm not a total fuck up. i just hate not being able to fix things. It makes me feel so empty and worthless. i think i'm really freaking out partly because all the stress that's been building up. this was just like the cherry on my sunday made of spoiled ice cream. I just don't know what to do to make you trust me whole heartedly.  So that you know whatever bullshit people tell you IS really a lie. I'm a straight ford, honest person. And i'm crushed right now. I'm crushed crying upset that my best friend believe's some random kid that's in love with her that she's known for like 3 or 4 months over me and all the shit we've been through. it hurts a lot. =' [

I never thought......

The paper is a clean crisp white, like his smile. The muscles in his arm flexing as he gripped his black engraved pen that never touched paper. Strands of his bronze hair fell over his "Starry Night" eyes; a blue so deep it made you wonder if those white speckles were real or the work of contacts. The crinkle around those eyes is enough to make any girl melt into his arms.

People always offering to do things for him like homework, classwork, even the teachers offer to push back his project due dates stating tha t"they're sure he has a very busy life." but no matter what people offer or say to him he never smiles. Only says thank you with a half hearted smirk, not showing off his pearly whites or the deep blues crinkling like riples in the ocean. No, just thank you and turns away. He makes me wonder and think why he doesn't smile or laugh? He has the entire school kissing his feet and yet acts as if he wants nothing to do with it.

Watching him, I prop my elbow on the table and rest my head on my hand. My pink, purple and brown hair cascading off my shouldes framing my angular face. I sigh looking away changing the song on my mp3 player to "Writing on teh Walls" by UnderOath, one of my ear buds hanging next to my leg. Next thing i hear is a scrapping sound of a chair, snapping ym head up heis no longer sitting their, i feel a hand brush against my leg looking over he is placing my other ear bud in his ear. He looks at me saying "I love this song, i didn't think anyone else knew this band." His deep blues lit up the white speckles eminating while his eyes began to crinkle, his legendary smile stretching across his face revealing his perfect straight teeth. 

He laughed moving pink and purple strands from my eyes. "The pink brings out all the colors in your green eyes." he said leaning back resting his arm on the back of my chair. Everyone is watching us and all i can think to say is "Thank you." with a baffled look on my face. Was this some type of cruel joke? Out of everyone who does thngs for him, everyone who bows at his feet....he comes over and talks to me?! The one person in this school that doesn't think of him as a demi god. My thoughts were racing.......

"Why are you over here, sitting with me? Sharing my mp3 player?" I asked after a few seconds, the entire room turns and glares at me. "Because you treat me like a human." whispering his velety voice into my ear. I looked at him confused, then shrugged as if to say "alright. whatever." He bursted out laughing "See that's exactly what i'm talking about, you don't see me as anything other than just a person." he smiled again. "i've been watching you from time to time, and how you go about your business without a single care as to what people think. Honeslty i admire you, i've been meaning to talk to you for about a year now." His cheeks turned slightly pink. "But i was afraid you hated me or something."

I was offically astonished,  I didn't even realize he went to this school until about a month ago. I though he was a new student but apparently i was wong. I had not a single thought in my head on how to respond to this. He sat up now looking almost distressed. "So you do hate me?" he spoke disappointedly.

"No, no i don't hate you....i'm just surprised that's all." i said trying to organize my thoughts. "Oh well...I just thought it was okay, i mean, i always see you with a bunch of people, getting along with pretty much everyone. i didn't mean to catch you off guard." he spoke modestly now, the glorified demi-god from across the room was no more. He was now a regular high school guy. I smiled at the thought of this realizing i placed him on a pedestal along with everyone else. "No its fine. i'm glad you came over to talk to me." i could feel the tension release as he sighed. "So what other bands do you like?" i asked pulling my hair back into a pony tail. He smiled again and began to list off his favorite bands while i made strange faces at the ones i didn't like.

 The Bell rang and we left.

I wondered for the rest of teh day whether tomorrow would be the same or not.

I guess i never thought that he might be wondering about me too.

Tonight...

      

I feel like braking you

making you try something new

being shattered

into tiny shards of matter

its new for you

i know for a fact.

maybe it will teach you how not to act

teah you to show what you really feel

instead of telling people what they need to heal

Tonight

just tonight

i want to brake you

drop pieces of you from extreme hieghts

you think anyone would care; tell me who?

i want to destroy you

rebuild you

so your less repulsivse

and more reclusive.

Just for Tonight.

The way he looks at me

I told him, knowing it might ruin our friendship. but i told him anyways.

I thought he would avoid me or look at me like a freak. But he didn't; he walked passed me once and didn't even notice i was there. I thought that was the end of our friendship, turning it into this awkward run around of avoidance. then i was at my locker pulling out a book and he kicked me in the butt (playfully not hard).

I turned around and held my gaze for a few moments as if he was seeing me for the first time. I smiled at him and turned away first, he starred a moment longer before walking back to class. i know he would never do anything to jepordize his relationship with his girlfriend (which is partyl why i still like him).

But he surprised me, i thought he'd go out of his way to avoid mebut instead the onlt thing that changed was the way he looks at me.

and i'm alright with that.

=]

Quotes

"I have no delusions of divinity. We are men, not gods. Man is his own god, his own devil, his own death--we are created in our own image, yet imprisoned by the face we call our own. I will remake the world as I have remade my face, so that they may confront their ugliness and find for themselves what is beautiful." ~Black Mask

"Earning trust is easy. The heart is a simple thing to tamper with. All I needed were a few random trinkets, a couple of sentimental encounters, and a voice on the phone." ~Hush