Fuckin Boys

Boy T: i saw him the other day in wal*mart and he pulled me into one of those hard "i missed you" hugs. and then asks me how i'm doing and why we haven't hung out then hugs me again and kisses my forehead. He held me for a long moment then his girlfriend comes around teh corner and he pushes me away and says "Get off me, i have a girlfriend. Kate"  he sai dmy name is such contempt i was shocked. I just walked away slightly crushed., we went from being best friends and having a thing for each other to this. To him being unable to look me in the eye as i walked away in shock. he emailed me later that nght and said he was sorry but he had to do it because his GF felt threatened by me. that's why we stopped hanging out. Then says not to contact him anymore. so i lost a best friend that i cared a little more for. Yes i liked him but that was it. i'm no a slut thank you. if someone has a gf i try not to get involved. but he was teh one who kissed me in the library. I pushed HIM off. but i'm still the bad guy. whatever.

Boy M: I haven't talked to him in months then out of the blue he called me two nights ago and starts screaming in my ear "Your a stupid bitch, and a terrible friend" just a bunch of shit like that. He has Never raised his voice to me EVER. not even to play around. He has Never called me anything like that ever out of the five years i've known the kid. we've been best friends since we met. i've been there for every little thing that has ever gone wrong in his life and helped him straighten it out. then he got a new gf and stopped talking to me for atleast six months then he calls and freaks out on me out of no where? that really hurt me. that was like losing a brother.

Boy B: I dont know what to do about him. he makes me feel like someone actually wants me. he makes me feel beautiful and happy and relaxed. and i dont understand wy he keeps coming back honestly.
i'm a bitch to him more than im nice. i feel about it but all the questions he asks and all the conclusions he makes about me and the way he makes fun of me it makes me SO MAD. like seriously pisses me off in like a matter of seconds. but i know that he honestly cares and i dont know what to think about that. i know i could never offically date him. he makes me too mad. he's an awesome guy dont get me wrong he's just not what i'm looking for.....so i dont know what to think about him. he seems to be the only way i can relax lately.

On top of that Steph teh driver's ed teacher hates me and gives me shit about EVERYTHING. and ya know what with all the shit going on i'm getting seriously depressed. I feel like i just fail at everything. and its killing me. i'm normally i'm a fast learner and pick things up quick. but steph just wont give me an inch.

Mander has been going through some shit and all i can do is be there for her. but she knows i am.

So much shit has happened in a course of like three days and its insane. lol who lives like this?!
   i Do. everyday, all the time. and that's alright with me.
this just seriously suck this week. so next week should be better. i can't wait until driver's ed is over.
I'm just worried on whether or not i'll pass.
i'm sure things will work out.
so ya i thought i'd tell you cuz i felt like it. so any kind of cheering up would be great.
Thank You,
<3 Katie  

....

I Fought to keep my family


You ran away from yours.


So don think you can get into mine.

Morning

so graduation day was upsetting, but turned out awesome in the end.
i basically lived in mass from graduation to yesterday. stayed at my bro's with my sister and her bf.
it was just quality family time that i haven't had in years. i felt like i fit in again. lol
it sounds very angsty i know but its true. their is no better feeling of belonging than with my family.
i'm glad i got to see them and hang out with them for a week.

i dont know its weird looking back and seeing people i haven't seen in years. Seeing how they've grown up for better or worse.
for example this girl i grew up with was a straight A student ever since i can remember, now she fuckin dropped out of high school then enrolled back in and barley graduated and became a major stoner. how funny is that? she was the most spaztic nerd i had ever met. and now she's a hardcore stoner. i thought that was so ironic. but yeah things like that make me laugh. i felt the need to tell you.

The World Through Brightly Colored Glasses

You glow, you shine, you emanate.
I love you through and through.

Sadly though, I do none of those things
At least not for you


Your smile is a presence in itself.
You make me feel full.


You don't fill from me though.
To you, my smile seems quite dull.



I can't help but see you,
Your halo shines so brightly.



I must be invisible,
Or your eyes are shut tightly.



Eyes the color of the bright blue sky.
I think of them everyday.



Apparently my eyes must be too ugly to see-
Or just to low, a dull gray.



Unfortunately, you'll never know it's you.
I could never speak the truth.



Unless one day you saw my eyes,
Or I made you feel full.

Maybe you'd see my smile, every tooth.



You'll never know because I know
You don't feel this way.



But who knows what could happen,
Maybe, one day.

Remembering

talk about flash backs. i'm talking to a girl that i haven't spoken to in years becuase she tried to contol my life (idk what it is with girls and them pretending to own me. its fucked up.)
but ya she was the start of all of it. She was my best friend and the only person i couldn't get away from. she was crazy and controling and totally freakin ignorant
She wants to hangout this summer which i'm willing to see how she's changed. hopefully she's calmed down.
she's seems to still follow the trends like always.
She was Always a follower. Never a leader.
i hung around her because i didn't really care.
i mean of course i met new people and eventually we became a little click type thing and they would all tell me to leave natalie. but i never did. i hid inside my baggy clothes and long dark brown hair and lived invisible ot the worled. i liked it that way. as long as i was with natalie life was taken care of because she would always take the spotlight of everything.
then i moved up here and was pretty much forced out of my shell. i started fighting in school and punched amanda hussy in the face my second day of middle school because she got in my face because i didn't like country music.
its just so weird looking back on how diffrent i am now compare to then.

....

When you tell yourself its not your fault, your like ya okay, whatever. But when someone else tells you Its Not your fault, you break down and freak out...why is so much more powerful coming from someone else?

Bridget said-because you believe it instead of dismissing it. even when i tell myself it's not my fault it's more like because i'm supposed to, not because i honestly think that. but when someone else sees it and tells you, it's like a sign that it's ok to let it out

<3