New Year 2013

So Far....

• ive moved out of my moms
• ive been suspended from work
• ive gone three weeks without pay (still amazed, my friends are awesome!)
• ive met tons of new people
• im ready to get a new job
• i workout every other day no matter what!
• i eat healthier
• im single
• ive lost contact with some important people
• ive started reading a new book

Yes im single, things didnt work out with my fiancee.... but things are better now and im happy. i feel like im finally at peace with myself. And moving out and starting the new year single is kind of a relief. Im currently looking for a new job trying to get away from mcdonalds so sick of that shit treatment and shit pay. That and its time to move on from that high school drama. Im trying to get back into writing and finding some type of creative outlet. Something to help me sleep at night. Still an inosomniac, havent figured that one out yet. lol still trying to figure out what i want to do with my life. but ive got time. i have to get my core classes out of the way regardless.

long time no see

well alot has happened since august i know that much  the biggest thing being......dun Dun DUN!!! i fell in love

it finally, actually happened
and ive been beating my brain in trying to figure out how
 the victim's name is Justin and no one can make me smile as much as he does
ive never felt so strongly about anyone before EVER
im emotionally attached which never happens and sometimes cry when we fight
but i can see it in the way he looks at me that im not the only one, that he loves me to and ive never had that before either
i love justin and i want to scream it at the top of my lungs and make sure everyone knows it! I want them all to know im the luckiest girl there is because i found love at first sight and you didnt =P haha
alas all fairy tales have their journey's and so does this one
justin is leaving for basic in 7 days and counting
and ive been scared out of my mind of whats going to happen next ive been asking for everyone's opinion (something i never do) and taking advice from some people i dont even like. all because i was scared
well i can tell you im still scared but i know now that i really dont have to be. and its like the biggest weight off my shoulders and i cant wait tell to tell justin
assuming he still wants me
since things between us have been crazy this week anyway

thinking

Breathing i your innocence
so close to me
i hold you tight watching my blood drip onto shirt the adreniline is wearing off now. I feel the pain in my lip, i run my tongue along the sides of my teeth making sure i still have them all. Your tears stain my shirt with a warmth of love i havent felt in a while, so young, so helpless. I dont know why i  did it. i could've let him take her. then maybe i wouldnt have gotten my ass kicked. My body feels like i was thrown into a wall, im sure i was at some point. Your small hands in balled fists wrinkling my torn shirt. All i had to do was hand you over and he would've put you in the car and driven off maybe kidnapping you. I dont know. I told you to go hide and dont come out until i find you so that's what you did. while you were hiding i was fighting for my life and yours. The first strike was a slap right across my cheek bone, it took me all of 3 seconds to become infuriated and punch him square in the nose from their my mind goes blank. The rage took over.
all i know for sure is that im still alive and so  are you.
Your too young for this type of corruption that i know all too  well.
i saved you this time but next time your on your own. your not my kid, not my responsibility.
if you have to learn the hard way then its your fault, no one else's.
good luck kid.  

Rainy Day Depression
listening to someone else bitch

nervousness causing hyperventilation
like the eye your not supposed to itch






(im going to need a new journal soon, this will be the first one i officially filled. im sure when its done ill feel accomplished and slightly pathetic.)

Solitude

its something i very much need.
i like being by myself, sometimes. i need it to stay sane.
sorry if you find that weird but that's just the way i am.
so fuck off
lol

.....

she plunged her foot into the steaming bath water sending goose bumps up her pale porcelain skin, across her scarred stomach stopping at her shoulders as she submerged more of her body feeling the burn of the smoldering water, she breathed easier feeling something for the first time in a week to let her know she's alive and not a robot or zombie. The rising steam smelled of eucalyptus, no doubt from the bath salts her sister got her as a house warming gift. The salts had dissolved completely leaving the water a murky shade of pastel green.
She sat silently starring at the lonely lilac colored candle burning next to the faucet, giving off the only light in the room casting a soft glow on her skin as she watching the shadows dance on the walls around her. She took a deep breath and sunk lower into the tub letting the water rush over her shoulders, up to her neck then finally it brushed over her feeling the sting as the water burnt every hair follicle on her head. she stared up at the ceiling under the water remembering the day she almost drown, wondering how she got so far down and if she'd ever see the sun again. She wasn't a afraid to die, no that wasn't what scared her, she was mortified that she would die never knowing what love feels like, she released her last breath and grabbed the side of the tub pulling herself head out of the water, some of it spilling over the edge on to white tiled floor. She stepped out of the tub looking at herself in the mirror, wrapping herself in an over sized towel she thought Wow, the water was hotter than i thought. 

Her body was burnt pink stepping away from the mirror the tiles felt cold on her feet. She slipped on the wet floor landing on her left hip. Awesome bruised my tattoo. It was a poem her sister wrote a long time ago when her boyfriend past awway. Car accident. she never really recovered from that.

Day 2

Of the body cleanse
and i have  a headache
i feel like crap.
ugh
12 more days......