TGIF

So today you tell me you still have feelings for me, then you tell me your dating some gross chick....after we had been hanging out the last two days. When you told me you dating HER it felt like i was being punched in the stomach. Am i really that low on the list of attractive that you have to go and date her just because you want to be in with "The Crowd" because i'm pretty sure they don' tcare about you. Falling yes its fun, but then you hit the ground and realize "Oh Shit! i think i broke my leg on teh way down."

Today was really just something i didn't need to add on my list of bullshit to deal with.......For example my gram is dying and she doesn't want to see me, im not even allowed in her house anymore. They justmoved the hospital bed into her house today, and the doctor  said it shouldn't be long now. i thought i was gonna throw up.  

My heart is being pulled in seventeen diffrent directions and all i feel like doing right now is crawling under my blankets with a boxe of cheezits and a bottle of Cherry Coke and never coming out. They just put me on new medication. Anti-anxiety stuff. and its working fo rthe most part, i can actually sleep at night now. But we'll see how long that lasts.

Happy New Year

Something unknown

wondering the world alone

thinking of your face

and how you never learned the meaning of grace

Its finally getting to me.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain. - Jim Morrison

Its Only Skin Deep. (Ramblings)

  I dream of things...high up in trees and in the pits of Georgia's peaches. I dream of noise. Golden hair woven into strings and tall buildings with rhythm. Of fevers that will create logic and drums made from human feet. I dream of water without a container and no maximum for the Human Voice. Of rocks on fire and tides up to my ears. I dream of Bridget's house and the gaping mouths of alligators. Of unframed windows and liquid bodies that flow an dseep. I dream of black garbage bags and white trash adn how they might mesh together. Of basement floors and tree-house splinters and how human shoulders are exactly like Horses' withers. I dream of topless halves and empty shelves and  how Sunday is just as busy as.....every                                                                                 

I write

although i am as useless as my left hand

i'm not ambidextrous

but my heart is.

Pulled in 27 diffrent directions

Still unafraid of its breaking point.

And when the pulling stops,

It lies stretched out on teh ground.

Yet still ready for the next blow.

And speaking like it knows every word in the dictionary

Most of the things arent' real.

But thats' what happens when

I write.

Lately, I've come to realize that everyone falls. I've noticed that you and i seem to fall differently. Maybe you don't think so but i do. I tend to fall on my back. Bones pop out of place and i bite my tounge. Some how you know when i will and you're always there. I've never said i'm thankful, but i am.  If you fall at all you fall gracefully. You say you do fall, that you have character flaws and make mistakes. I may be biased, but i think your lovely the way you are.  My life is exactly like a puzzle. I always seem to lose pieces. I'm not sure how, but i do. That's how i am. If i put them in a box, they fall out; if i don't put them in a box i lose them. I forget they exist until i try to put everything back together. There are so many holes, too many damn holes, and i have no way to fill them.  The pieces are my life. They are my friends, parts of my personality, my memories, my family, and my future. Sometimes its not that i lose them; some leave on their own. I find some, sometimes, when i'm lucky, and others come back. Some i just lose forever. You are the only piece that never goes missing. If you ask me to repeat teh following, i will deny it ever happened. I will deny i wrote this, and i will say you are a liar.

Natural light getting
brighter
  against
the brick wall;
real sunlight seeping
in sleepy
    eyelids;
warm orange golden
flashes
seeping out of hands
cupped to hold it
for just a little bit longer;
lasting sun stains
blistering
  on skin
like a badge for teh time
spent outdoors
against brick walls
kissing boys who
aren't normal.

Thoughts

A technicolor smyphony

you'll never realize what it meant to me

to see you smiling face

not a drop of poise or a touch of grace

just the pure happiness on your face.

then i realized

you weren't looking at me.

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year" ~Pink Floyd

When does it become enough? when do you realize that the people that love you, don't support? when do you realize that you don't have to please everyone, just yourself. I take a step back and think about these things sometimes when i watch people walk in teh halls. All these carbon copies of what Scene shouldn't be, clinging to each other because no one else wants them.

People always ask me why i wear what i wear, or why i dye my hair. i say "Because its what i like to do. its what i like to wear."

.i'm just me all the time. I never learned how to be anything else but myself. and i'm glad. I'm quite, loud, mean, proud, stubborn, sweet, kind, clumsy, honest and socialble with a little bit of shyness thrown in there somewhere; also i like my space. I'm a million diffrent things thrown into one person which makes me a little crazy, but that's okay. i'm happy with who i am and what i'm becoming.

I'm just typing this because each year the freshmen come up and they just seem to get more fake. Its like a mass production of emo haircuts and converse. I used to wear my converse everyday until they were so torn up my feet would get wet when it rained. now i haven't bought a pair in three years. because they seem so overrated now. the Hollister wearing blonds with the Abocromie wearing pricks. The attitudes, clothes and personality get worse every year and i cn't wait to leave it all behind.

  

Money

Seriously i'm super pissed off.

my friend's boyfriend just fuckin sent me a message saying and i Quote

"you need to give manda gas money. she won't ask so i am. thanks goodbye."

WTF!?

REALLY?! cuz i just offered to give her $10 on saturday but seh wouldn't take the money. Nevermind the fact that she always calls me asking if i want to GO WITH HER. -plus- when she goes to pick up her check she goes by my road anyways.-plus- my house is five minutes from hers anyways.

But even though i offer her gas money apparently i'm a mooching ass. so whatever. i offer her gas money, fuck i've given her gas money before. even though i Don't have money right now. or a job.

i'm just really kinda pissed off. its not like i make her go five miles out of her way to drop me off. i don't call her up and say "hey will bring me here and pick me up later?"

i'm not an asshole he's just fuckin ignorant.

am i wrong here?

please tell me if i am. i'd love to fight wiht you too.

money is the root to most evils.

Thinking in Psych Class

SO there is this kid in my math class and he sits infromt of me and he has the oddest smile. His teeth are yellow and his skin tone is a little darker than italian making his teeth look even more yellow. He's a "Carny" and apparently he's movingin january? i think he said.

Mr. Carpenter is "venting"  about how much he doesn't like Ms. Brown and the way she teaches. Its funny really to here him openly bad mouth her. i enjoy it very much. anyways.....i've known this kid for like 2 months? i think i don't even remember. and he is just so concerned about how my day goes and always says hi to me. He acts like we've known each other forever. he stares at me sometimes after our conversations end. then i look expecting him to look away but he just holds my gaze then smiles. Like there's an on going joke that i don't know about. His amber brown eyes are sometimes hidden by his long straggley hair that curls. He wears baggy pants, and t-shirts with holes and still walks with his head up. He looks me straight in the eyes when we converse and can repeat everything i say afterwards. He's 16 years old and one of the strangest guys i've met this year.

The oddest thing is that i think i'll miss him when he moves.