New England in the fall.

I longed to be home. Some may say that's where I was. They didn't know. They'd never seen. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. The leaves rhythmically crumbled and collapsed noisily beneath my feet. A sound I had heard all of my life, yet now it seemed foreign. It seemed like I wasn't supposed to hear this sound anymore. This wasn't home anymore. Home didn't hurt. Home didn't affect tears, or an aching emptiness that wouldn't go away. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. It really was beautiful here in the fall. It always did inspire peacefulness, a serenity I couldn't find otherwise. How could this be all I was supposed to have? How could this be all I was supposed to know? I knew I was still young and had my whole life ahead of me, but that was just it. I tried to make it *my* life and I failed. I had to come back. It couldn't be my life yet. I couldn't even start it. I couldn't even have ruined it if I wanted to because it still hadn't started. I did have my whole life ahead of me, and as I walked through the dead and dying dreams and hopes of each branch and trunk, it felt as though it would always be ahead of me. Never within my reach. Never now.

"Dude, I said wait up!" I continued on my way. What's the point in stopping? What's the point in even talking? Why should I even waste time spouting thoughts and opinions I couldn't even call my own? If I couldn't own my life, I sure as hell couldn't own my thoughts. No one should have to be subjected to it. This wasn't where I wanted to be, this wasn't what I wanted to do. All I could do now is walk. It's all I had anymore. People told me it wasn't my fault. People said I'd bounce back. They said I shouldn't blame myself. When they failed at life after just starting it, that's when they could talk. I became faintly aware that someone had fallen in step with me. I said nothing. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

The sun was starting to set behind the trees. Maples, birches, evergreens. You could always tell when you were far from the equator. The vegetation took on a tighter, harsher, wintry feeling. Everything was so much less open and free. So much more secretive.

"It won't hurt so much later. When you're back there… You'll be stronger because of this." I turned still keeping my pace. The face to my left was one I was always glad to see. Since I came back I thought maybe things would be different. I thought this face would try to avoid me at all costs. I didn't think I had the right to call anyone a best friend right now, especially someone so deserving of the title. It felt apt to say I needed a babysitter instead. I didn't want her to become that. I didn't want that face to portray the hopelessness I was feeling.

"I hope you're right."

The World Dipped in Blue

The world dipped in blue, being washed brand new?

I saw him in Wal*mart yesterday. I could see it in his face, the pain he was going through. I wish i never had to see that look on his face. He was trying so hard to hide it but the tragedy eminated from him in strong wave lengths of grief. I'm glad i saw, and talked with him. I'm glad to know that he's still partly the Matt i've known for so long. I'm glad he's alright.

I went with him from wal*mart to his aunt's house where they shared stories about his mom and looked at old pictures. It was nice, his family are a bunch of Characters they are funny people. It sterrible really that they had to lose someone so close to their hearts. I could feel the saddness when matt opened the door to his aunt's house, it hit me like walking into a brick wall. The parrot was squaking Very loudly while matt took him out of the cage. He played with the parrot Dudley for almost teh entire time we were there. That was his and his mother bird and thwt loved that bird unconditionally. I remember Dudley Squaking in the background when matt would call me on the phone. It breaks my heart to see such good people have to deal with such a tragedy espeically losing your mother, some a sister, a daughter. I can't even begin to fathem what he is going through in his mind adn he will probly never let me know all of it. I've never seen him in such a lost state of mind and its So hard and painful to watch, i Hate seeing him like this. But grief takes its toll on everyone diffrently i just hope that matt won't bottle it up and explode.

That's the only thing i'm really worried about.

Today

on this day, i was told that my best friends mother died.

this morning between first and second period this stupid random person told me; because his girlfriend didn't have the balls to tell me. She was too busy putting on a show of sympathy for her friends....saying that she was close with his mom and blah blah blah.....when i know how much she has bad mouthed his mother and used to say how much she hated his mother. But now all of a sudden she loves his mother and she was amazing....sympathy whore.

At first i didn't understand why i was crying i mean i've met her and had dinner with his family and what not. and watched tv his his mother and had a few long conversations and i guess it just hit me harder than i expected. I've been crying off and on all day and as a result i have a terrible migrain. i'm not going to french or math because both classes are ridiculously loud. Being in the condition i am i would probly end up hurting someone. which is what i have been trying to aviod all week.

i just don't know what to do right now. i want to call him and comfort him but he's with his family and his girlfriend so i feel a little out of place. i think i'll just call him when i get home. and see how that goes. this has completely thrown off my entire day. It had way more of an affect on me than i thought it would, i mean i knew it was comming once the doc said she was terminally ill what else can you expect. i know it sounds terrible but i've been through this a few times to know what the deal is. Of course there is hope and there maybe a will.....but from what i've seen there isn't always a way. And i think that hurts me more than anything because i don't want to see one of my best friends hurting like this.

i just......

i don't know where to go from here.

i'm lost.

Shut up already.....

she is just pissed because "someone" has made her cry on more than one occasion. He has stated repeatedly to her that he DOESN'T like her as a human. But she keeps talking to him knowing that he will probly say terrible things. So she brings it upon herself. she just wants a reason to complain about him. Honestly i have no sympathy left for her because she complains about SO MANY THINGS ALL THE TIME. seriously shut the fuck up already. i can't stand the whinning and bitching......your life seriously isn't that terrible I Promise. Now she has this new fangled attitude that makes me want to punch her in teh head sometimes. she went from being kinda chill and alright, to a freakin bitch. All of a sudden its Ok to kick me if i insult her (just messin around of course)....No that's not okay. she has developed this "I'm cool now  because i have a boyfriend attitude" she is kinda acting like a snob and it REALLY bothers me. Especially because she only been dating the guy for like 2 weeks. The other day she went so far as to slap me in teh face. Honestly i almost lost it. If there is one thing in the world i can't stand its that. Slapping someone is Rude and disrepectful and it just infuriates me almost instantly. I see no need for actions like that unless your picking a fight and that's exactly what i consider that. i'm surprised i didn't make her cry after words. I wanted too seriously bad. i wanted to brake her fucking nose but i didn't. i just got up and walked away.

i'm at the point right now where i would just like for people to STOP complaining so much. not completely.....just NOT all the time! it seems as though whenever i talk to someone now that's all i here. about how life sucks SO much. granted yes i have thougs days too. but that's not every fucking day.  there a slim few exceptions to this mander being one because i know what her life is like.

But as for everyone else please be happy with what you have. Not with what you want.

Which brings me to another point....money.

i hate it so much. but that's a blog for another time...i'm gonna go do something destructive now.

Bye have fun.

Good Marrow

Look to the sky,

so you know that i love you

when i die.

Your broken bloody wings

made the butterfiles sing

songs full of sorrow

Look to the sky

so i can look down and see

your tired green  eyes smiling at me

i'll always remember the day you fell

broken bloody wings causing you hell

lay in the grass and watch the sky fill with butterflies

Look to the sky 

what colorful lies

i created for you when i died

the butterflies

will sing all that you need to know.

just remember me saying Good Marrow

also that i love you .

Math Class

Sucks SO much.
seriously some of the people in that class...i just want to punch directly in the head.
Perferably the temple. there are like 3 people i sit with who are some oddly sane.
natalie i dont mind so much but i could deffinelty live without.
Then their's Bir who i would like to push off the empire state building. seriously all the fucking girl does is complain and fuckin drives me insane. I really wish i was allowed to kick the shit out of her.
i'm sure Ms. Valmount wouldn't give me a detention, she hates Bri probly more than i do.
so ultamately she wouldn't be missed.
I'm SO glad i'm a senior!!!!
I have to keep telling myself this is my last year so i don't beat the snot out of some of these kids.
i haven't been sleeping very good lately, so i'm super easy to piss off. And i'm just itching to gert into a fight.

Some of these kids are so dumb its sickening and amazing that they made it to freshman year. 

sometimes

Sometimes you make me insane, sometimes you make me happy, sometimes you make me feel terrible, sometimes your not around, sometimes i get depressed, and sometimes you show up, sometimes you come through, Other times you don't. Sometimes your a complete jerk, sometimes your really sweet. Most of the time i can do No right. and you constantely point it out. so tonight i say fuck off to you and all your "sometimes" emotion. Feeling things only when its convient for you. I'm finished dealing with it. and i hope you enjoy the rest of your life with out me. because i'm sick of being your "back up" plan or scape goat. or whatever roll you want me to play in your fuck up. try bailing yourself out for once. jerk.

Badderies.

Yes Badderies, instead of batteries. i'm not talking about the energizer bunny, i'm talking about cookie dough. but its a long story...me and my sister on teh phone we get a littel weird. <3  

Yeeha we have a LOT of weird inside jokes. We are wicked close and i hope that never changes. If there was ever anyone i would look up to it would be her, but it wasn't always like that. There was a 2 year period when we wanted to kill each other. Seriously. Like didn't want to be in the same room, threw things....For example.....This one time i was really mad at her for something idk what. but i walked to the door of our room and threw a shoe at her head. Having terrible aim i didn't think it would hit her but sure enough it did. I have never run so fast in my life! Down 2 flights of stairs and out the front teh door and down 6 block to Fuacie's Pizza where i hide behind the counter for 2 hours. LOL.....yes we are crazy! but it was just for those 2 years, and i'm happy we both survived. But yeah we have some pretty interesting stories. We were Very vicious girls...She was 17, i was 10.....it was game on in the Rodican House. All or nothing. xD

Honestly, i consider myself lucky to have such an awesome sister who gets me. We love each other for who we are and that's all. We are freakin weird and crazy and laugh about stupid things sometimes But that's what makes it all worth it. All those fights and stupid moments ARE worth remembering because ultamately they brought us closer together. All those times we injured each other and got grounded together. I look back now and know that if she didn't leave for cali when she did...then i wouldn't be who i am right now. i used to hate her for leaving me because she practically raised me but after a while i realized that she had to get out of that house. and i don't blame her. But her leaving helped me realize how close we were and how much i missed her. It was really a turning point, and a "growing up" kinda thing. I'm glad we talked about it and made things better, sure it won't ever be exactly the same nothing stays the same. So this will fit nicely picking up where we left off. The Wizard of Oz is permanmently burned into our brains. That stupid movie was such a big part of our lives inthe strangest ways.

If anything, I Blame the Movie. =)