Silence in the Riot

The nights are warm with a damp breeze, they remind me of the nights down at teh lakehouse. The nostalgia is starting to turn into depression. i'm sad that my brother decided not to come, but i supose its for the best. things have worked themselves out for him so i'm glad. i just wish i could see him on christmas.

i was forgetten this year. i paid for all the gifts and things my mom gave out but no one thanks me they all thank her. i almost cried today.  because of it. i know it sounds stupid but i wanted the credit for getting everyone what they wanted i wanted them to all know I was responsible for their smiles. Bu ti don't that. and no one got me anything. except for my sister who got me a pair of earrings <3

she seems to be theonly one who really ever cares about me or what happens to me.

this christmas was just depressing, i want to go home and be with my friends.

i haven't heard from mander the whole time i've been in florida. which makes me really sad. i hope she's not mad at me for anything. i can't think of any reason.

i just want a day with my sister. just me and her. just one day. that's i want.

but it looks like i won't be getting that (because i ask for so much).

Merry Christmas.

The world has turned and left me here

that would be ahrielle and i making a ginger bread house. her side looks like the box...my side Not so much.
to put it nicely.

Anyways in other news i'm leaving for florida tomorrow night since the whether is supposed to be so bad. I'm just gonna stay other night in the airport. this is gonna be like the thrid time i've done this. so i'm pretty excited you meet and see some pretty "interesting" people when there plane comes in around 3am. i'm probly gonna need some energy drinks and maybe a sub. just because i've been craving one. =]

the Gram situation has not improved but i've come to accept that now. I'm not so sure how this christmas is gonna turn out only because my brother has turned into a complete jerk. before it was just normal sibling hate but now he's like open about it and bothers people because he thinks he's better than everyone else. So i think this christmas my sister and i are gonna have to cut him down to size. After all what is family for if not to keep you in check every now and again. besides he's had this coming for a LONG time now.

i'm SO EXCITED TO LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!

its going to be so odd with no snow for christmas. but its gonna be awesome (i hope) with everyone together for christmas! <3 it makes me so happy we're al gonna be together again.

make me disappear.

"One Lady, one chance, to vent her feelings, and the screw up_______ screwed it up for her."

At this point in time i feel a little lost. I feel like someone is spinning me around and around making me want to throw up. Now they've finally stopped and i've fallen to teh ground not knowing what is up or of which way is down. that Left is correct and that Right is wrong.

 

Yesterday:

 i found out my gram has less than six months to live.

i found out my mother saved her friend from drowning.

I realized my brother has a hole where is heart should be.

i found out my that when i drown my cousin pushed me in on purpose.

I realized my family is pulling itself apart and that i can't do anything to stop it. 

 

I cried last night for a very long time because:

My mom is a hero, my gram is dying, my brother is a drug addict, that i REALLY want my sister here next to me. and that my dreams, like so many others, probly won't come true.

 

People think "Oh well atleast you have time with your gram"

she has been dying for roughly 2 years now and i don't want to have to watch her suffer anymore. I've had all the time in i need to make amends or atleast try to and say what i need to. so has my mom and my aunt

I don't want to watch her disintegrate sitting in her recliner everyday. Sleeping there because she doesn't have the energy to walk to her bed. I mean sure we've all known she's dying but now its more real. The doctor put her in HOSPES telling her that she has less then six months to live. That they can't do anymore for her because she is so old and gave her morphine saying that all they can do is make her comfortable.

i was (am) so angry about it. But its true i have to accept it. I love my gram even though she was never nice to me, i still love her. i've never lost anyone in my family like this other than my uncle. 

yesterday was basically a revalation for me.