Its all in your goodbyes

My grammother is going to have to have another heart surgery and the doctor's don't think she'll make it through this one. They told us this one would be extra risky not only because of her age but also because this artery is behind her heart. she's going in for a consultation this thursday and if its bad enough then they might take her into surgery right there. it depends on how long she waits to tell us how much pain shes' really in. i'm not sure how i feel about this, i mean this could kill her. i've never been close to my gram well actually we hate each other but i don't want her to die. that's horrible.
idk its her call, not mine.

HEY HEY!

GUESS WHAT?!?!?!

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

I'm 18!!!!!

i'm getting my ID.

going to florida on the 8th to go see my sister

and getting a tattoo!!!!

This is some seroius shit right here.....

So, they Doc's office called me yesterday...they told me i have some "micro-bodies" in my blood. Which means that my infection turned into bacteria and got into my blood stream. yeah. And if they don't kill the bacteria soon then it could turn into a terminal illness. It might kill me or turn me into a vegtable or i could end up being on pills the rest of my life.
I have a new prescription waitng for me at Wal*mart that i have to take twice a day for two weeks and if that doesn't work then i might have to go into the hospital and be put on an i-v drip until they kill ALL the bacteria. But if they can't kill it all then i could be in a LOT of trouble.
i'm actually really scared, i would've much rather just fuckin' had surgery on my nose. Seriously i would pick that over this any day! i mean i wanted them to find something just like everyone else but nothing that could threaten my life. I'm seriously freakin' out here. yeah you think "Oh no. surgery."
but right now i'm thinking "OMYGOD I"MGONNAFUCKINDIE!!!!!" and its really fucked up because i could die. You don't think about it until the doctor goes "Hey, umm. so this could kill you, if we don't adress it properly." when they said that on the phone my fuckin' heart fell out of my ass. i swear (of course i picked it up and swallowed it again so i could stay living for the time being.) But really like who fuckin' thought that a sinus infection could turn into this. I'm guessing its because they didn't stop my sinus infection early like lets say about Four Fuckin' Months Ago!!! that would've nice. but now i'm stuck with this. Things finally start to look up in my life and now this. a small illness that exploded into something threatening my life. Pretty fuckin' ridiculous if you ask me. But that's my luck. Nothing ever stays good for long. I cried yesterday after they told me that. I mean i hope it turns out that i'm fine and just over rescting or they read something wrong but that's what's going on with my health right now. and apparently things aren't looking very good. i'm just really scared right.

When i sit behind the sun and close my eyes.....

So this is the last day of school. Of regular classes. In my last week of school, then i've got summer which contains :Florida, and peircings, and a tattoo, and my Bear, and hopefully my brother at some point and a random trip to pennslyvania

Leave my disease on the table.......

Today i would like to take my 250$ camera and repeatedly bash it into Skelatore's face! Seriously she takes things WAY to far. I understand that i need to get my paper done but her telling me that every minte i see her does not make me like anymore than i have to which isn't very much to begin with. But i have a wonderful feeling that she's going to fail me based on me not liking her. instead of basing it on how well my paper was written, but no that's the right way to do. The way she gets paid to grade my papers. But NO i drew the short straw.
There is onlyso much of that woman i can take. That ANYONE can take. She pries into your life and then tells you that you Suck at everything.
so here i am wishing i didn't agree to take this as a full year class. It was a half year but then the schedule got messed up and it ended up being a whole year. At first i was like "Yeah, alright. that's cool I can improve in writing and be good for next year." VS now i feel like she has sucked ounce of cerative drive out of my body. She makes writing feel more like work...i don't see it as a hobby or an escape anymore. One more Day of regular class then i never have to look at her melting corpse ever again.
The day ca't end soon enough.

BARF!!!!!

So i HIGHLY dislike hypocrites...i mean sure in the grand scheme of things everyone is including me i know. buti mean the people who do it all the time not giving any names PandaMaster's Girlfriend.who was my best friend at one point then decided to go after teh guy i wanted after i told her that i liked him. then deicded to stop talking to me. And started telling all her and my friends that i'm a horrible person and that i tried to get pandamaster to cheat on her. Which i Did NOT!!!! If he did anything like that, he would do it himself and i would take NO part in it. I have morals and standards. Its funny cuz after she spread her little disease to my friends none of them believed her. So overall i WIN. i got panda master to admit he loved me and i got to keep all my friends and she lost a few for saying i lied and whored around. They weren't too happy with her needless to say. My friends are Very protective of me and i of them. They may not like each other very much but when it comes to me that gets put aside. Otherwise they probly wouldn't asociate with each other. EVER! but that's fine with me. i luv them always. <3

But yeah anway while reading the blog of my ex-best friend i realize that she was a good a person at one point in time. I miss how she was, don't miss her now. I miss her old personality, happy go lucky would try anything, is completely boy crazy. But now she's a totally diffrent person. I know i should've seen tis coming and i did but i didn't think she would turn into a drone. a conformist. one of the hive. Hollitser wearing,online shopping, never leave your house, live for your boyfriend type of girl. I mean she was never a rebel or an activist or anything like that. I'm very much so an activist..a rebel no. I'm myself, i wear what i want and do what i want. I've been called a punk more than a rebel. but either way yes i've changed too but the core of my personality is still there. Same morals, and warped thinking process and ideas. but its like she's gone totally A wall.

i know you would think that i shouldn't care since she did that or bcause we're not friends anymore. but i do. she was like a sister to me for a long time and i know her inside...well i guess KNEW is the proper term now. but overall i'm glad i met her and have good memories to look back on.

i would like an Italian Sub. lettuce tomato pikle, mayo. YUMMY!!!!! or pizza.

My Weekend

(My sister made that^ from a melted record. she's pretty creative when she's bored, lol)

• Friday: after school. i met amber's abusive boyfriend, who i would've enjoyed beating the crap out of. seriously he Slow like mentally slow and blames it on his tongue ring. and likes to pinch, jab, punch and trip her all the time he was at my house. i wanted to be like "Seriously amber? this guy is the biggest piece of shit out of all the guys you've picked. After that lovely time Cubby tok me "Floom Hunting"....i'm not sure why he and his family call it that but whatever. He took me to what is called a "Floom." a rocky area with running water. its actaully wicked pretty. and i took a lot of pictures.

Saturday: Woke up at noon (cuz my friend was supposed to call and wake me but instead) i missed graduation. didn't get to see any of my seniors. and wanted to beat teh fuck out of someone. But after seeing her today i wondered if there was a bruise on her face or if it was lighting. but i plan on finding out. Then went to becky's graduation party and her brother threw me in the pool. It was good to see them all again. i missed them they were like an extended family. Then went shopping and bought a white hoodie and PURPLE shorts. i luv them! then hung out with barry after he had a really bad day. But after a while i made him smile and feel better. Then we went back to his house and had a bon fire in the rain. I don't really know how they kept the fire going until four in the morning without gasoline or anything but his brother says "I'm a marine. I can do anything." Yeah that doesn't require thinking. he's not the brightest bulb. but he's a nice guy over all. We stayed out until 4am then he drove me back to my house and his car died in my driveway. If my mother had woke up i would've been slaughtered. but my quick thinking boyfriend did a temporary fix to get him home. And my mom still has no idea what happened. =]

Sunday: i did laundry and talked to my sister making plans for me to come down to florida in july. my aunts gonna look up tickets for me. I'm so fucking, excited!!!! =D i haven't seen her in two years! Which is WAAAY to long for us. but yeah.....otherwise i had a fever and my nose won't stop running. and all i want to do is sleep.

Monday(today): i get to go back to the doctor's and decide if i need surgery or not. i'm not very excited. i'm pretty scared actually. then going to wal*mart to get some hair dye and go back to my natural color. Which is apparently a lot darker than i thought. I shouldn't be in school right now, my fever is still acting up and i can't breath through my nose. i can't stop sneezing. =[

So that's a summary of my life right now. Pretty exciting i know. lol

Haylee sucks Balls!!!!! jk

I'm in study hall right now. being bitched at by skelatore to do my paper but its practically already done. So i would like for her to shut the fuck up. that would be wonderful....

on a better note, has anyone heard the Silversun Pickups new album...or any of their stuff rather? I'm now in LOVE!!!! i mean seriously like new favorite band in love and that NEVER happens. Ever! but its true i'm in love with music and i'm not sure there's room for anything else.....Aww my poor boyfriend. =p

but yeah so My friend amber is "seeing" this guy who has a girlfriend and apparently is going to break up with his current gf to go out with her. what are the chances of this actaully happening? slim to none. she's coming over my house today after school cuz she wants me to meet. The whole best friend approval thing....but i already don't approve cuz he has a girlfriend. i'm sure he might be an awesome person or whatever but seriously atleast wait untill he dumps her. seriously. but whatever. its not my problem. unless somebody gets hurt or hurts amber...then its my problem! Beach!

Russia is AWESOME!!!!!

The seniors are seriously leaving. i mean yeah i'm sad every year but i know most these ones, i'm really close with a lot of them and now tomorrow they graduate and get pushed out into the big bad world. No more PandaMaster. ='[
i know i will see him all the time but we became best friends this year. Sure we had a weird messed up romance type thing shoved in their but life went on i put it aside, he didn't. and here we are. He's graduating tomorrow along with becky and kaylynn and the rest of them. So many memories to fall back on and times the have saved my life along with people who saved my brain from all the stupid dramtic crap that went along with my life. One more year and then i'm next.
I don't know if i'm moving to florida or to mass or staying in New Hampshire. This has been the CrAzY-est year of my life. But i think it was the most interesting.

I strongly dislike you sometimes

Skeltetore is now critiszing me on my picture taking skillz. how very kind of her.

Seriously, i can't wait until i don't have to deal with this, just a week and some odd days left. thats' all.

if i don't tell myself that skelatore might not make it through the last few days because of a someone doing something that mightr hurt her feelings.

i like that picture cuz of the reflection and YEAH I TOOK THAT! pretty freakin' sweet. Fuck her! damnit!

I forgot .....

JUNE 22
IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
i'm going to florida! chillin' wit my sister!
getting my tattoo!!!
and Getting my Pirecing!!!!
LIFE IS GOOD....=D
(that's the plan anyway)

i don't want to know

I don't want to hear you when you tell me to go
when you say leave
i want to scream no


when life hands you lemons.....so i'm taking this writing course in school and everytime the teacher reads my stuff she rips it into shreds sometimes to the point were i want to cry. Its probly one of the hardest things i've ever had to do; sit back and listen to someone tell me that my entire paper is less what a 3rd grader coudl write. Sometimes the things Skelatore says makes me want to turn around and punch her in the ear. Seriously, i know i need to learn to take critism better but there is NO NEED to be so ridiculously Opinionated about it. i was gonna say honest but i know its not because i've gone to other english teachers and they've told me that i have more potenial than she gives me credit for. so i'm not trying to sound conceeded. But i guess all tis extra work and writing should help me in the long run. Improve as a person and writer.

study hall

so i just finished makng this thing cuz my friend haylee wanted me to so now i've been converted to blogging. hmm......
anyway, so i just went to the bathroom and my friend's girlfriend just gave me the direst look Ever! she hates me cuz i'm friends with her boyfriend. whatever. not my problem.
The seniors are graduating i'm so sad, most of my friends are seniors. i'm a junior incase you were wondering.
so as i'm exploring this blogging site i have found that it is prety freakin' cool. and i got haylee here to give me a crash course in using this contraption. but all in all i like it.

Haylee I Am Not Addicted!
when and IF i start posting something everday then!!! you can say addicted!
so =P