GrandMother.

Last night i walked in the brisk cold down teh street to my grandmother hosue. It was my turn to sit with her and i hadn't seen her since last week. Mother had told me that all she does is sleep all the time now, so i shoved a book in my bag before i left.

I reached her house taking the ear buds out of my ears, placing my ipod in my bag. I opened the door to a hospital bed with a shrivled, shaking, balding old woman laying in it. That is what my gram had been reduced to.....this, this drugged, sleeping reality?

i have never seen my gram without her wig on, i have never seen her shake so violently, i have never seen her sleep so restlessly; it was such a painful sight to bare witness too. I almost threw up, i could freel the fluid drain out of my face leaving me a ghostly white. It was painful to see such a strong, snippy, opinionated woman completely  incapacitated like that. I started to get a little dizzy and felt my knees get weak, so i sat on the couch farthest from the epitome of everything i never could of expected. My aunt sat with me for the time i was there out of fear that i would get sick. After sitting for four hours, watching "Judge Judy" with my aunt speaking of how stupid some people can be and how the plantiff had a serious attitude problem. i tried to relax about the "episode" i had earlier. 

My mother showed up around 6pm and i sat talking with her for a while preparing myself to leave. I walked over to her hospital bed, kissed her cheek and said "GoodBye Gram, i love you."

she woke up looked at me and said "I love you too."

This woman has never said those words to me ever in my life, you couldn't pay her enough money in the world to tell me she loved me. After she said it i felt bad for almost, pitied her; once so proud and stubborn "O how the mighy fall"  and boy did she fall fast and hard. Last week i sat with her and she was her peppy, pushy self and now she's in a hospital bed barley able to talk or even wake up. All she does is sleep all the time now. The doctor has her on Liquid Morphine and she DRINKS a certain amout. that's all her medication now, is drinking liquid morphine. i never actally thought that this would happen. i mean i've seen people dying like geting shot or hit by a car but THIS made m throw up.

on the long walk home the air seemed colder and my teeth wouldn't stop shuttering and all i could picture was my gram shaking almost convolsing in her bed helpless, with no one able to help but take the dropper and squeaze more morphine into her mouth. In those moments i realized that This Was The End. That she wasn't going to be around anymore. I threw up......i fell to my knees and threw up all over the pavement almost instantly.  i couldn't stop thinking about her while i cried the rest of the cold lonely walk home.

i have to go back over there today after school, things are only getting worse for her, but for me the worst was last night and its over. i'm okay now, and all i can do for her is to drop water in her mouth and give her  cup of morphine letting her sleep. This is the end. 

a part of me will die allong with her, and a new part will of me will emerge in remembrance for the love (or lack there of) for my grandmother.