HayDay wasn't worth it.

The sun is sweltering with a damp cool breeze following it . My hair has turned into frizzy multi-colored waves. My check bones are pink with a sunburn, my green eyes buring with a look of aggrivation thinking of earlier in the the day. I was out in the down pour of rain looking for my frined who ditched me for a second time. So after an hour of searching, i left and walked home. As I trudged onward i thought about all teh terribe stupid things i did just to go to hayday and see my friend (who ditched me). My rage began to cloud my train of thought. By the time i reached the my house i was soaked throught to the bone and ready to punch out a window.

Thinking back to this I began to clench my jaw sending a sharp through my mandable like lightening striking a tree. This is the second time she did this to me. After I got home she called and tried to spoon feed me this excuse about how she had to go with her friends then said sorry in a tone drenched in sarcasim. I just hung up the phone, i didn't want to eat her baby mush bullshit anymore. Does this make me a stupid person for letting her do this to me twice? I don't know what to do because she's one of my oldest friends but i do know this wasn't worth it. I feel terrible for what i've done to Ashley and Matt. Also seriously pissed off for all this happeneing in the first place. I'm a terrible, stupid, untrustworthy person.

These last few days have seriously sucked.

Secrets

Your secrets are making me crazy. The things you don't want me to tell people are things you SHOULD'VE told them already. The worst part is that if your lying to me i will be crushed. I've known bascially since i moved up here you've become a little brother to me and i know its your life, your (stupid) choices. but it tears me apart to sit back and watch you fuck u pyour life when you have potenial. You have a brain and i know that you know how to use it. You just choose not too. and i will never understand why.

And yes it truely bothers me because i feel like a sibling and he treats me like one. they're family treats me like of their own. so now i feel like i messed up. Like i missed it somewhere along the line. Like there was a test on how to be there for your friends and family and i failed it. I didn't go to the study groups thus i bombed teh test. I don't know what made you think this was a good choice but it was a SHITTY choice if you were trying to being rebelious. I just want to smack you upside the head and yell "STUPID BOY!!!"

The Worst part is that i don't know if your lying to me. I know you inside and out and trust though everyone else tells me not too. I honestly do. So if your lying to me i won't be able to look at you the same way. If your really going so far out of your way to make an ass out of me i'm gonna be devistated. All thoughs times i stood up for you saying that you weren't an asshole all the time, that you can be a really good person. You'd just be going and proving all thoughs people right. and you don't care about them but no that puts into questin if you care about me?

is my friendship really so worthless to you that you decide to humilate me?

idk but i guess we're going to find out. i'll keep your secrets but know that if your messing with me i'm walking out of yoru life and i'm not coming back. I've forgiven you for a lot of shit but this would be crossing the line.

idk maybe i'm stupid for trusting you and trying to see the better in you. I've found that the more i do that the more i get hurt. but i guess i'm a masacist. if that's the case.

i believe that you have to see past the shitty parts of people and try to focus on the better. and as a result i've been made a fool of a lot but i've also made friends who have stood up for me and been there for me. so i consider it worth it.

does that make me stupid? for trying to see what your really like instead of some shiny candy coated outside. idk i guess i'm stupid then.

Cookies with no milk

I can still remember the prison gray walls of our bedroom. Laying on my double matress bed, i would stare at the white ceiling fan go around and around. Watching it until my motion sickness kicks in or unless someone calls me down stairs. I remember you sitting on your regular box spring and matress bad trying ot draw me the shape of my feet, the curves in my hands the scars on my legs from soccer pratice. After so long my legs would start to twitch so she would yell at me thinking i was doing it on purpose.

At this point in my life our father had lost his mind and our parents were getting a divorce which was fine by my sister brother but i on the hand was too little to really understand what was going on. A night at the Rodican House normally meant yelling and broken dishes and bloodshed. But not tonight.

Tonight was gorvery shopping night and Dad wasn't home so there was no reason to fight. In a few moments mom will be home and the Chips Ahoy! will be ours.

Matt would open the gallon of milk and i would get the cups while bridget, (the artist in training) would open the Chips Ahoy. We would all sit around the beat up kitchen table and dunk the our cookies. Then eat the other cookies that's been soaking in the milk, by the time your done eating that one teh other would be ready to eat. We had it down to a science it would leave the cookies soaking just long enough so tehy wouldn't fall apart when you picked it up but would still be soaked through.

Yummy!

We would sit at the table until the hours of early morning slurred our speach. Laughing and having fun enjoying the moments of family normalcy i longed for.

Then the divorce was finalized and our dad was gone. Bridget left shortly after, not telling anyone where she was going, no mention of leaving, just left without a word. Our dog died, then my brother moved away. A few weeks after that my mother decided we were moving to a place completely opposite of here.

So now here i am ina new house, in a new town in teh middle of no where sitting at the same old beat up kitchen table trying ot comprehend how frastically my life has changed, eating cookies with no milk.

People watching in parkinglots.

Stuck in the car listening to songs i hate. watching people passsearching for a good song, switching stations every few seconds. The cart pusher is a red head with a flaming curly afro stopping to look at me every few seconds to see if i'm watching him. The car fills up with my carbon dioxide, i open the window to a car pulling up. The man getting out is older with snow white hair and slightly wrinkled face. i'd say late fifties maybe older. his dark blue shirt polo brings out he ice blue in his eyes making his white hair almost florescent. He backs the car out of the space and drives away looking as though he's made a mistake as if this wasn't where he planned to go.

Another car pulls up, a crisp dark shade of sky blue. I didn't catch his face, but his voice sounded raspy almost tired. A child in the seat next to him saying something i couldn't quite make out. I pull my hair back in a pony tail catching my reflection in the side view mirror noticing my eyes are extra green today. The cart pusher watches me while i start to sing a stupid shallow pop song. It seems like the songs you hate the most are the ones you know all the words too. I see my mother walking out of the store and so does the cart pusher.

"Finally" i think to myself.

My mother loads everything into the car and gets in, the door making a painful wrenching noise. I look back in the mirror noticing the cart pusher almost looks sad as she backs the car out of the space and pulls out of the parking lot.

That night

I met a diffrent side of you.

The side no one really ever gets to see.

The Nice Caring side.

and i'm glad that you showed me and let me in.

Now we're best friends and it seems as though your not half as bad as people say you are. you just need to stop being what they say you are. It's pointless in me saying this because i know they'll never know you the way i do. but that's okay with me.

I don't know

So my friend is coming over on thursday and i'm not really sure you can even call her my friend still. But we're gonna see where it all goes. In the last two years she's broken basically all plans that we made. i'd make them she'd break them, she'd make them then SHE'D break them. i grown tired of being ditched, then having her run to me when her boyfriend breaks up with her. i'm tired of it and i know that if we stay "close" then i'm going to be putting myself back in the same situation. i'm not trying to sound conceeded but its a Horrible feeling when you get ditched over and over again. It's like "If you didn't want to hang out with me then that's all you had to say." its gotten to the where i feel i did something wrong to make her not hang out with me. I discussed this with her last year and she said she was sorry and that she was horrible person and that she felt terrible...well apparenly she didn't feel that terrible about since we're back to square one. ya know.

but yeah so there's that.

next, someone i know is finding things out about me that i NEVER posted or mentioned or even hinted about. Seriously CREEPY! i don't even talk to the kid anymore and my friends don't tell him about me. So what's the deal? how is he getting this information?! it kinda REALLY freaks me out A LOT!

next. I saw one of my "ex" friends today. she got out of her dad's car and didn't even acknowledge that i was alive. which i guess is to be expected, but idk it caused a lot of flash backs. its weird walking by a place that you used to hangout. and now your not welcomed there anymore. hmm. it seems i can say that about a lot of people these days not being welcomed into peoples homes. One thing i hate most is losing friends and i know people come in adn out of your life but it hurts when it one of your Best friends and they walk out on you. and that seems to always happen to me, not just a friend. But one that i'm close to and its hard for me to be "close" with people. Whatever.....

Moving on...Next
my friend mander is having a whole shit load of boy problems and i feel bad for her. i've never had boy problems atleast now that have been brought to my attention. but yeah i'm not gonna say what happened with her because its not your buiness.

Next....i got this Random ass email from some chica who is "in danger" and is tryin to get into america because her life is in danger and she needs all my information to transfer all her money into my american account. hmm....umm. No. i'm sorry, no. not gonna happen. i have no way of knowing its Not a scam. so i'm sorry random who i have never met before your life is in your own hands.

Next, i'm thinking about chopping my hair off.....again. =D

no idk yet. i think i might just leave it and let it grow out some more. it hasnt' been this long since like 8th grade. it's pretty crazy.

So that's about it for now.