At this point in time i feel a little lost. I feel like someone is spinning me around and around making me want to throw up. Now they've finally stopped and i've fallen to teh ground not knowing what is up or of which way is down. that Left is correct and that Right is wrong.
Yesterday:
i found out my gram has less than six months to live.
i found out my mother saved her friend from drowning.
I realized my brother has a hole where is heart should be.
i found out my that when i drown my cousin pushed me in on purpose.
I realized my family is pulling itself apart and that i can't do anything to stop it.
I cried last night for a very long time because:
My mom is a hero, my gram is dying, my brother is a drug addict, that i REALLY want my sister here next to me. and that my dreams, like so many others, probly won't come true.
People think "Oh well atleast you have time with your gram"
she has been dying for roughly 2 years now and i don't want to have to watch her suffer anymore. I've had all the time in i need to make amends or atleast try to and say what i need to. so has my mom and my aunt
I don't want to watch her disintegrate sitting in her recliner everyday. Sleeping there because she doesn't have the energy to walk to her bed. I mean sure we've all known she's dying but now its more real. The doctor put her in HOSPES telling her that she has less then six months to live. That they can't do anymore for her because she is so old and gave her morphine saying that all they can do is make her comfortable.
i was (am) so angry about it. But its true i have to accept it. I love my gram even though she was never nice to me, i still love her. i've never lost anyone in my family like this other than my uncle.
yesterday was basically a revalation for me.
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